} Feeling emotional

Somehow, for some reason, I'm in a rather emotional mood right now. I don't know why. I guess something inside just took over. I feel like I've lost something, something precious, and instead of feeling lighter, I feel a whole lot heavier now. Like I've gained instead of losing something.

No, I'm not talking about losing/gaining weight, you shallow dimwit.

Everything that happened today seems to fit, really. This morning, I turned on the TV and saw the Eminem video 'Lose Yourself'. For your information, in case you haven't seen the video or heard the song before, it's about seizing opportunities.

Kind of like the stuff my principal usually says, but said in a much cooler and more understandable way.

And this afternoon I just realized that I've missed a whole bunch of opportunities this year. Maybe that's why I feel like I've lost something really really precious. I don't know I even came to realize that. I was just sitting there, thinking absent-mindedly to myself, and just suddenly the realization came.

Like one of those annoying afternoon daylight showers. The sun is shining so bright, but suddenly, whoosh. Rain falls out of nowhere. And about a second later, whoosh. The rain stops.

I hate that kind of showers. I keep having to close and then open the windows again and again.

I realize that I must be going totally out of point. But if you think I actually care, think again. Because this stupid diary is only for me to write down my stupid thoughts in an entirely stupid way. So if you think this is stupid, you're stupid, ok?

I mean, this is all rubbish, just gibberish, so just your desire to read my stupid thoughts makes you stupid. Especially if you've read my previous entries, because then you KNOW the stuff in this diary is stupid, but you still came back to read some more stupid stuff.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I told you, I'm feeling emotional right now. Like if someone just says a mean thing to me I'll start bawling or throw the table across the room or something equally outrageous. Like if I just read or see something sad right at this moment, I'll do something really melodramatic-like.

So excuse me if you think I'm just an emotional freak. I'm not. I'm just this way, right at this very moment.

Anyway, I was just thinking that I haven't been myself lately. In fact, I haven't been acting myself all school year. It's like my ego is controlling me, and I have to defeat it, like in that new Madonna video, Die Another Day. I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about what other people might think of me if I do this, or do that, or whatever, and I'm not usually the type of person to do that sort of thing. Usually I just straightforwardly do whatever I want or need or have to do.

And because I haven't showing the real 'me', I feel somehow really ashamed of myself. Really disappointed in myself. I've let myself down.

As you can see, this is a self-emotional debate I'm going through, so don't mind me.

Maybe I should stop writing. Not when I'm in this state anyway. Maybe I should put aside all my emotional feelings and just go back to being nice, hyper and carefree.

Yeah, that's it. I better stop now.

2002-11-23, 6:40 p.m..
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