} darkness

it's the quietness that I miss - just being able to be with myself. Quiet enough to hear my own thoughts, not knowing whether they are wrong or right - but at least they are my own.

Here the quiet is only half-possible in the dead of night. so I search for it in place of sleep. Maybe that's why I was having so much trouble sleeping.

even as I laugh and talk with people i feel that I need this quiet time and time again. I don't know if this is what is called being an introvert, or shy, or a loner, or even asexual, but I do know that I am most at peace in these pockets of time as I do nothing, the day behind me and the next morning creeping up (but not just yet). I say "I don't know" to most questions and am content to leave it at that.

I have been thinking about being Kind. People always talk about making a difference, or being smart, being great, being a leader. But I think I find the most contentment when I have been disciplined enough to be kind to someone.

when I read stories I am always drawn to the characters who are staunchly loyal (even to the point of stubbornness) and kind in their own way. not in the way of being nice or gentle, necessarily. but the kind of kindness which reflects justice, a moral compass. kindness which displays compassion and firmness in turn. I am trying to find that.

The good ones of course never win in the end. But what point is there, anyway, in winning?

I want only a good bed, books to thumb through, cups of hot coffee and cocoa. eggs for breakfast. my favourite curly noodles. (I guess that's still quite a lot of stuff.)

maybe I am fooling myself.

2014-09-15, 4:35 p.m..
before } after