} some random mad raving

ive been talking to yirong a bit about LNAT and uni applications and such, and the more i talk/think about it, and as the day of the LNAT looms nearer, the more i think to myself WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING.

i see all these people, carrying SAT books, overhearing people talking about the LNAT as well, and i look at them, and i look at me. and i think, this is not my place. i dont belong there. so what the hell am i doing?

im not sure whats my purpose for doing this, not anymore. i have a sort of wild fantastic dream of what i could do, and then i realise thats not what i really want. i want to just make a difference, offer some help, in my own way. this is not my way. is it?

i cant even stand arguing about something for too long, i agree to disagree too quickly. so what the hell am i doing?

am i crazy? the only lawyers i know are Alfieri, who is a fictional character from a play, and the lawyers at Boston Legal, who are also fictional characters, except they're from a tv show. yirong asked me today, 'do you know what its about?' and i feel like laughing and crying at the same time because i dont. i dont know what the hell im doing. maybe i sort of do, but i sort of dont.

im going to screw up the LNAT. what im doing here is just, being stupid, and wasting a lot of money while im at it.

i decided too quickly, i think. i decided too quickly at my own whim and fancy, thanks to my anglophilic desire to go to the uk. i decided too quickly, maybe also because i wanted to prove something, maybe because i wanted to show that i can be passionate in something serious, and not something crazy like art, or being in a rock band.

i think 2 or 3 years ago i just told my parents that i was thinking of learning guitar, and my dad joked 'you want to be like john mayer?' and well. i do want to be like john mayer. or john rzeznik. but its crazy, and i know its crazy, thats why it was meant to be a joke. just a passing comment. without too much weight.

then a few months back i talked to them about university and stuff, and i talked to them about wanting to do something related to art & design. and my mum was along the lines of 'well you still want to do something more practical right, not sit in a studio and make paintings' and HAHA at that moment i also felt like laughing and crying at the same time because i have this crazy, crazy desire to do just that. paint. draw. throw pots, figuratively. throw pots literally too, when im angry. i would have pots to throw.

and how people would so casually tell me that i should seriously pursue art. and then when i tell them im not interested in going medicine, or engineering, or business, they give me this 'huh?' look and go 'so what ARE you going to do?' sorry, what were you telling me just a second ago? just another passing comment, i guess. because its crazy to take something so crazy seriously.

maybe i am just too emotional. i get too easily carried away with what im feeling. thats why i dont trust myself to make decisions too quickly. and this time i thought i made a good decision, because i thought i used my brain, only to realise that it was based on a feeling, too. a feeling and desire to show that i can push aside my feelings, and use my brain.

ironically.

2007-09-27, 4:23 p.m..
before } after