} a confession?

i dunno why... but these past few years i have become very guarded... thinking too much about what other people think.. always watching my back...

sometimes i say or do something and i think about it for days afterwards. that's why... it's easier to just not do or say anything. im very withdrawn now, i know.

i dont think i was this bad before. i remember in sec 1, when i took french class, i was the first to try and make friends with everybody. now i just wait for people to talk to me.

but i dunno... i dunno what happened to me... i know i should just be myself... but it's not easy when i feel like everyone's eyes are on me... seeing through me...

in a way its quite ego... thinking that people are always looking at me and judging me. ha.

maybe its cos of my failures... but now im so scared of disappointing people. not being good enough. which might be why im so damn nervous about things like pw... sometimes i even imagine myself playing wrong notes at the concert...

my god i think im going mad.

and usually if i talk to people about this kind of thing they try to comfort me but what they say is usually so superficial.

like they tell me that im not crap cos i draw so well and get good results and stuff like that.

but they dont realise that its so much better to be able to talk to pple and make friends and stuff like that. although of course its no use telling them that cos they wont listen since they think im talented etcetc therefore i should be happy.

oh well call me ungrateful.

haha i dunno why i suddenly thought of all this.

i guess ive been too frustrated by all this for too long.

i hope i didnt sound too angsty. :S

2006-03-29, 8:41 p.m..
before } after