} displeased

i really want to help, but i don't want to exacerbate the hurt. suhui is right; there is too much to lose. so sometimes i wonder if it will be better if i don't get involved at all. because i'm so prone to messing things up.

i feel so stupid. so, so fucking stupid. every fucking day i do something wrong, and it's not like i feel bad because someone points it out. i mean, no one points it out but that just seems to make it worse. i don't make sense.

so i found out today that i have a guilt driven life, and a fear driven life, and a need-for-approval driven life, and God knows what other fucking thing, but i dont get it. how am i supposed to get rid of guilt? even if i clean it off one day, i get dirty again the next day.

i know, its not about me. i want to wash off the guilt, so i can feel good. so i dont need to be fearful anymore. so i don't need to be so self-conscious anymore.

but i cant ignore it, i cant stop feeling guilty, and i cant stop feeling afraid that i'll add on to the hurt, i can't stop feeling afraid of what my actions will do, how stupid i am. what do i do when the only solution i can think of is to bury myself up so i dont ever have to say another word or do another thing to any other living thing on this planet ??

cos i cant die either. if i have to look up from hell or look down from heaven (hm) and see all the things i've done.. i dont think i can take it. i think i'll go mad.

i dunno, i dunno. i guess im just wishing that im not as incompetent as i am.

2005-07-06, 11:28 p.m..
before } after