It is a really warm night. I don't usually drink cold drinks, especially when I'm at home. Past a certain age, (I make myself sound so ancient, but it's true that this seemed to have happened suddenly, probably when I hit my late 20s) I found myself taking a chill much more easily. I also stopped sleeping with the airconditioning on, and I still sleep under a blanket. Strange, huh. Sometimes I think that it may be related to my condition... that I am simply ageing faster. I try not to think about that. Denial and avoidance. sounds like the rules of pleading.
met up with Schzn yesterday, and it honestly felt like that Keane song, Everybody's Changing. Like I have been standing still while everyone else is moving, doing things, hitting milestones. It's not that I'm not happy for other people but I kinda wish I myself could keep up.
But deep down inside, and maybe this is a sign of growing up or whatever, I kind of also know that it's not entirely true that I have been standing still, and plus it is probably how a lot of people feel sometimes.
I am so thankful for this Labour Day weekend and the extra day it affords just for -- not doing much at all. Over my few years of working I have realised that it is important just to have the opportunity to regroup, a day just to hit the "pause" button, ignore any work (barring anything urgent) and think about other things instead. It really helps to regain overall focus and balance of priorities. Sometimes it's hard, especially when I'm still working out what needs to be done, but I try to force myself to stop thinking about it and let my brain work it out in the background. Usually it works. (Thanks, brain.)
I feel like I have forgotten that in the last few weeks, so I am trying to regain that now.
I also feel myself falling into the "busyness" trap again, and I really really want to avoid that. Want so badly to maintain an objective view over everything and not be influenced by my stupid insecurities.
I find myself needing constant reminders of what the big picture is. :|
When people ask me why I made the switch, and why to this job, I find myself launching into a long ass dissertation almost as though I defensively feel the need to justify my decision.
The truth of the matter is that, yes, I thought long and hard about it, but I ultimately did what felt right to me. And I still think it was right. I have no regrets, only some doubts about the future (which I guess is normal) and whether I am up to scratch - that is constant, constant, and it would grind at me and wear me down if I don't remind myself at all times that uncomfortable is the right place to be in. (at?)
I feel a constant need to earn everyone's trust which, again, I think is not such a bad thing.
I also have to remember to shelve the "maybe I will never be good enough" thoughts for at least the next month, and then if I survive that, for the next 3.5 years or so...
2017-04-30, 2:17 p.m..
before } after