} the long haul

I guess I should put in something here - I was just looking back at the 2014 entries, and it's quite interesting to feel it all coming back. I'm surprised at how unhappy I was, for a long time. It seems that there was only a very short window of time when I felt completely (or almost completely) at ease at work, like I suddenly woke up and found my groove. Or maybe just suddenly woke up and decided not to care so much what "they" think.

so I should "log" this new development.

the new firm is working out good...like I've been telling everyone. Hours are good. Work is good, so far. People are nice enough. My only worry is whether I will still have a job by next year. But in a strange way, it feels good to feel like a normal person and to feel some pressure to perform at work, in terms of quality of work or efficiency. quite a nice change from how it was like before, when it felt like the only thing "motivating" me to work was just the fact that there was just no damn time and the only solution was to NOT stop.

I feel like I'm heading towards retirement. And I keep second guessing myself if I should actually be working somewhere else where the pace is faster. I must be crazy.

I wanted to write because it suddenly dawned on me today how nuts all of this is.

10, 15 years ago the only thing I ever want to do everyday was sit in my room and draw pictures and write stories or think about my stories.

at some level...every part in me still just wants to do that all the time.

But (and this comes after reading a magazine, Dumbofeather - something that someone said - I'll find it) I am wondering if maybe doing what you want to do all the time is equivalent to "chasing your dreams" or whatever it is. because it might be the same as how secretly (or not so secretly) I just want to eat Indomie everyday. (There are so many flavours, so little time.)

For once, I'm thinking that I may want to be in it for the long haul.

2015-06-04, 5:51 p.m..
before } after