} and off we go

last year i managed to avoid the whole new-year-introspective-reflective post which i seem to do a lot (and which i dislike about myself now, since i always end up writing about the same things anyway) - which i tried to avoid again this year, but it seems like there is no avoiding it. last last december was like a flurry of ThingsThingsThingsThings which avalanched on to 2011, up until i left London.

that was when things slowed down, and got worse. instead of ThingsThingsThings there was suddenly Nothing, and i was left with a lot of (too much) space for thinking. i didnt want to think, as far as possible. i wanted to continue the Activity, because i realised the more that i was Doing rather than Thinking, the happier i was. so that was how the year pummeled on.. it became WorkWorkWork, and then a break, and then more Work, and another unsatisfactory break, and more Work. and the cycle looks to continue for the next few months.. for my last semester until working life.

i managed to manage but lately it has been unbearable. i am running out of discipline, and i am starting not to care. so maybe it is about the right time to confront myself, put a proper stop to all this shit.

i have been unhappy. despite brilliant flashes of happiness (moments that i hold dear) i think there is just no denying that i have been unhappy. i don't know when it started. i don't like myself now, i'm not proud of the work that i'm doing, and i don't know where i'm going (not in the happy, blissful sense but in the sense that i no longer have any idea what i want).

there are some things i've gained last year, and some things i've lost. i am not happy about the things i've lost.

i'm frustrated with myself. alone i can be content over what i can accomplish, but with Them i feel so inadequate. i don't want to just survive this, i want to beat this. not beat them but i just want to feel again, just for myself, that i'm worth something.. that feeling that no one should be able to take away.

i want to be happy with myself and my life again.

this sounds like a lot of demands, but actually i want to be less demanding. somehow i have succeeded in being more arrogant and more unsure of myself at the same time. i want some of my humility back. i kind of like that awkward girl who always tried so damn hard (and usually failed, but still). let me go back to that place. somehow i forget that life is not all about being right all the time or having the last line but also about being able to learn from other people. shame on me.

so there is no happy or satisfying conclusion to this, i guess in that way i am breaking the pattern of my usual boring 'reflections' (or maybe not aha). this year begins then with a lot of frustration and unhappiness and generally feeling like a shitbag.

2012-01-08, 8:48 a.m..
before } after