} monologue

some things, i fall in love with quite easily. other things, to be honest, i like only because i made a conscious decision to like them. not for what they are but for what they represent.

like when i was young, i was girly girl, my favourite colour was pink. i liked barbie dolls, i took ballet and piano classes. i also liked, to cry. i cried a lot when i was young. i threw a lot of tantrums. i dont know when, at which point in my childhood, i suddenly decided i didn't want to be like that any more. i suddenly didn't want to be weak, or girly. i wanted to be 'strong', wanted to have the tomboy image.

so that was when i decided that i would like the colour blue, instead. shorts over dresses. short hair over long. it was the same with football. one day out of the blue i decided that i would like watching it (even though i fell asleep when my dad first woke me up to watch a match. i think that was the euro in 2000).

what is surprising is how easy it was to like all those things even though it was only because i had decided to like them. it forced me to see only the good side of something. now i do sincerely think that blue (and a whole range of other colours) is nicer than pink. :/

it's the same with some artists, writers, musicians. i made the decision to like them before i liked them. i guess it just means that i'm very image-conscious. but when i grew to really like those things, i think maybe this is just how i do it. just the way that i broaden my thinking, by wanting to like something, first.

i've also tried disliking something. But this, is not as easy. It works for a while, i think, but ultimately i think it's hard to delete something from myself. i can add things to override things, but i can't delete.

2009-10-22, 10:08 a.m..
before } after