(that skippity-la-la feeling. although the seriousness of the word doesnt do it justice.)

too bad im too much of a worrywart to experience much of it. :(

learning how to cycle felt like everything in my life encompassed in two frustrating hours. a lot of times just too afraid to let go and risk falling flat on my face, always needing to have my feet firm on the ground. the result is, i never really fall, but i never really get anywhere, either.

but i want things to be different from now on, and i felt a glimmer of hope towards the end of those two hours, as i was finally feeling like i was really cycling, only to veer off the road and crash onto the grass.

surprisingly, falling wasnt all that bad, and i felt not pain, but glorious relief wash over me, as though the worst was over.

(the pain only came the next day, and i sound like such an old granny, but i have to confess that im still suffering from after-aches.)

but i guess what i resolved to myself that day is, i dont really deserve the excitement i always look for in life if i cant even handle the fears of riding a bike. tackle the simple lessons of life first, then go for the big things. (theres a malay idiom for this, but i cant remember it now.)

i guess what im trying to say is that i can finally embrace the reality of 4 years in NUS. not because im letting go entirely of my london dream, but a way of giving myself time, to wait, to grow, to be ready.

as i was saying to denise the other day on the bus, i think if you work hard enough for something, it will definitely come... when you're ready for it. i really, honestly believe in that now; a life of possibilities. and.. yeah, maybe of insouciance, too.

2008-06-11, 11:45 a.m..
before } after