} dont know what to do

im really, kind of, at a loss now. throughout this whole MAD applications thing, theres always these bursts of hope and energy that keep me going, yknow? like after i got the rejection letter from oxford, i hoped for a more favourable response from the other schools, and after i got replies, i thought 'ok i'll go for scholarships' and then i applied to dsta and caas, with negative outcomes, and then i thought nvm i'll settle US schools first so i got into this high working on my portfolio and chasing after mr sim and calling the schools at midnight, and then there was a lull but then i thought ok after a level results i'll apply for more scholarships so i did and i was hopeful for a while, but i didnt get a reply, and then the US replies started coming in and i was happy & hopeful again, and then it was time for local admissions so i focused on that and was ok for a while, then i started realising i prob wont get to study overseas after all because there was still no scholarship response but my dad said 'ok we'll talk it over' so i was hopeful that something can be worked out and we talked it over, but to no avail, but nvm there was still one last scholarship which was the NAC scholarships so i applied for that, yet another temporary high, and now i havent got a response so the hopeful feeling is gone.

and now, for once, i no longer have a definite plan. in the past, i always had some burst of inspiration like 'ok i'll try this now and hopefully it will happen'. but now im running out of options and i really dont know where else to look to.

and i wonder what the hell i've really achieved in all this. seems like it has only been a run of hasty and bad decisions, one after another. e.g., applying to law in the UK and art in the US. the result is, i still dont know which course i'd rather do. i never figured out what is 'for me'... every time i come across something i think might be it, there's always someone else who's better at it and more passionate about it, yknow? and then i question myself. i dont know if i'll ever figure it out, yet its so crucial to.

the thing is, now, i could very well rush into more things again. i could still try for even more scholarships (though if i keep going i may become jaded enough to develop the 1000-yard stare), i could still apply to more schools in the US still accepting applications, i could try applying for financial aid there... but it would be a blind effort, unless i know for sure its definitely what i want, and something tells me randomly grappling at things won't get me anything in the end. which is what i've been doing essentially, so my disappointments are probably well-deserved. something tells me that i need to figure myself out, and go for one thing, grab it by the neck, yknow, so it doesnt slip through my fingers, as everything has been. know what i want and give it my wholehearted effort, not a shitty attempt.

i've been making a lot of stupid decisions, i think. like, applying to U of Miami just because i have a chance of getting their grant. i've been relying too much on chances, instead of going for the solid things, more realistic goals like getting financial aid. i guess at that time i thought it wouldnt matter so much, i thought i'd be perfectly happy staying here if overseas applications dont work out.

im not even happy at the prospect of it. i guess that shows just how much i know myself.

i really dont know what to do now. i mean, i know i shouldnt rush into things anymore, but as a result now im too scared to make a move anywhere. just staying still at the moment, wondering, and hoping time doesnt tick by too fast.

my sister says i shouldnt give up on scholarships, that i should keep applying. worst comes to worst, go to a local uni first, maybe for 1 year, while continuing to apply for scholarships.

sounds like another hopeful plan?

i dont know. im quite wary now... while my disappointments may be my own fault and all, they do kind of hurt a bit.

2008-05-08, 11:25 a.m..
before } after