D'you ever get a sudden feeling that everything's going farther and farther away - till you're the only thing in the world - and then the world begins going away - until you're the only thing in - in the universe - and you struggle to get back - and can't?"

[-- Stanhope from Journey's End, a play by R C Sherriff]

i wonder if anyone else ever feels like that? like you went too far, and when you try to go back, you just cant. whenever i look back i notice the changes in me, for the better or the worse? i dunno. i think that i scrutinise things more, i tend to notice things about myself and about other people that i hate. i take note of them and try to change myself, try to tell myself not to do those things. sometimes it leaves me not knowing what to do at all, because my mind is telling me that i cant do this and i cant do that. i duno if that makes sense...

its like whatever i do, there is the 'me' that is doing the action, and there is 'me' that seems to be watching cautiously from the outside, trying not to make a wrong move. i feel like i am seldom myself.. when i am acting like myself i would know since it would be one of the temporary moments of relief, haha, when i just feel like i dont have to keep up an act anymore.

i miss my old self. while trying to get rid of my old faults i probably formed new ones. i went too far. and now i cant get back, i can no longer be the person i used to be, and i dunno who im supposed to be anymore.

im so sorry for being so emo, but i guess its better to get rid of this kind of shit before christmas. speaking of which i have been constipated for the past few days and i just feel so... LOADED all the time. blah. i am just full of shit these days, literally. sigh.

2006-12-22, 9:45 p.m..
before } after