} lost

before i started this blog, i used to write in a diary. as in, a real book. i remember, at the time, i vowed to myself to never write anything sad/scary/angsty. so that when i look back on what i've written, there will only be happy memories.

yet when i read what i wrote 2 years ago... there was some stuff that could have made me cry.

it IS a diary so i cant quote exactly what i wrote... but during the first few days of secondary school i wrote several entries that describe how friendless i was... and how i just couldnt belong in the class. and the memory of the first day of school. the horrible feeling of it all just came back to me.

then i realised how much i haven't been fully cherishing the friendships that i had, and have now. how it's so hard for me to hold on to relationships, when i'm so bad at making friends. why cant i keep in touch with the friends i made in the past? why cant i make new friends easily like normal people?

ARC came as a sort of God's blessing. i've begun to take it for granted. i wish i hadn't. even though i appreciate solitude at times, i dont want to feel alone again. its such a horrible feeling... to be left behind. forgotten. alone.

and then again... why cant i learn to lead? i've always been following behind people. i need to learn to walk by someone's side, as a friend. and learn to lead the way.

i want to be more open. to let people know how i feel. im such a coward. i cant talk to people face to face. always caught up in my own thoughts... cant even start a conversation. i feel so lost.

so annoying. i really get on my own nerves sometimes.

2004-12-28, 11:26 p.m..
before } after