} haunted

just taking a break from doing what i dreaded. escapism can only do so much. some memories are best forgotten.. but that only doubles the hurt when you finally learn to look back upon them.

i wish i had the courage to face my fears. then maybe i can leave without that hollow feeling of guilt. the guilt for never giving the better side of me a chance to show.

despite all my resolutions for this year... i failed to keep to my own promise to be always open. decent. my worst fear has always been fear itself. i let it overcome me, blind my senses, so that i force myself to only see nice things, and remember happy memories.

i cant be a leader because i myself dont practise what i preach. be true to yourself. i've been lying to myself all along. i feel so terrible. my own fears made me fail to see the fact that people are decent. if only i can summon my own courage now.

well. i made myself look back. i couldnt face my fears. my heart just started beating very fast - still is - and i found that i only wanted to break down into pieces and disappear.

until i face these inner evils, there is no way i will ever be able to move beyond my comfort zone.

2004-12-29, 3:45 p.m..
before } after