} "stop running for nothing, my friend"

I'm a mess.

And it is probably not wholly or mostly attributable to Jasmine's passing; I think that I have been a mess long before that, like an accumulation of shit that has just been barely getting by, and now the proverbial camel's back is broken.

I feel exhausted because I never actually know what the fuck I'm doing, and pretending that I do is a very exhausting job.

I probably try to do way too much, as well, being overly ambitious because -- well, I don't really know what my job scope is.

Amidst all these frustrations, I try to get by with the small things.

But the small things feel futile also.

And so I feel like I am in mourning. I am in mourning for the passing of a friend; of someone who was a bastion of joy and comfort and the most incredible love and care for people she barely knew. I mourn for the injustice of it all and how she was taken away far too soon, leaving other, frankly shitty people left in the world. But amidst all of that, I am probably also mourning, selfishly, for 1.5 years of my life (and counting) that I feel like I have lost, in a black hole of confusion and unclarity and self-loathing.

I don't really know how to move forward. I feel perpetually stuck in the same place, sucked deeper and deeper into this sinkhole. I wonder how many times I'll be asked how I am this week (in small talk), and how many times I'll have to lie that I'm ok or that everything is good.

2021-09-27, 4:06 a.m..
before } after

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