} trying to sort out the confusion

I feel like I am losing myself a little bit. I was just saying to juns the other day that I feel like I don't like the person that I am, especially when I'm at work. I think I'm fundamentally unhappy all the time and I'm mostly unhappy with myself. I'm just taking it out on others, that's all. It annoys me even more when other people are perfectly happy with themselves.

So I'm desperately trying to regroup now (very grateful for the public holiday in the middle of the week, for this opportunity). I'm letting myself spin out of control a little bit and I desperately need to stop. Stop and pay my bills. (No, seriously.)

As crazy as it sounds I really do feel that it's true that Winter Is Coming, it has always been coming, and I have always been unprepared. Because I guess my nature has always been to take things as they come, I've never been one for foresight and forward planning.

But I am painfully aware of what's coming in September. Change always sneaks up on you (me) just when you (I) think I've got a good thing going. Then I'm thrown off balance.

There are some things that stay the same.

I thought a long time ago (probably 12 or 13 years ago, my God) (sorry, God) that I would like the guitar, and as it turns out, I do, a lot. I still do. It's just not The passion, not The thing, not something that defines me.

I also thought a few years ago that I would like making bread, and I really, really do. I ended up discovering a whole unexpected area of interest about food and health and the socio/political/economic issues of it all. I don't know if this is The thing or The passion or something that can define me. I'm far too lazy to be the sort who can start movements, and I'm also not sure if the issues simply aren't too systemic.

I discovered Michael Pollan and I more or less love him, probably.

On a related note, I also discovered Requiem for an American Dream feat Noam Chomsky and I probably love him, too. I want to read his books. If I were a more active person, and less fearful, I might be an anarchist. I just think, overall, it is a good idea for the general population to reserve some Anger, it is the cure for apathy. We should feel angry at some things, I believe that wholeheartedly, and we should not be made to forget our anger. I've started to understand why in 1984, emotion is such an enemy.

I did not think I would like ASOIAF (or rather GoT since that was the version that I was aware of first), but I wholeheartedly do. I love this thing to bits. I want to be able to enjoy it before it ends.

I thought I would love London, and I do, sort of. There is definitely a "sort of" there because I have the constant niggling feeling that I am trying to claim something that is decidedly not mine. It's a bit like saying that someone is your best friend, or boyfriend, or girlfriend, without knowing that person enough at all. If I were to be really honest, I just don't know London well enough. I would like to.

I thought I would like horse-riding and -- surprisingly, after thinking that I would give up -- I actually do. I am really bad at it, but I really like it. I really like the horses. I enjoy my attempts very much. I suppose I sort of feel the same way about driving - it's mostly the laziness that stops me from picking it up again.

I'm wondering if there is such a thing as having a thing, a defining thing. I think I am mostly just confused, and I always need these sort of thoughts because I need to always define myself somehow. Why do I need to do that? Is it just a stupid insecurity thing at the end of the day?

Is it because I'm not at home with what I'm doing on a daily basis?

I think I want to understand more about the world. I don't, and I don't want to feel, like I've got it all figured out -- I really, really haven't. I want to be humble and assured at the same time. I want to come into my own. (I want I want I want... sigh)

2016-08-09, 9:09 a.m..
before } after