} confusement

i think somewhere along these few weeks, i forgot how to be happy. for a long time i haven't felt like how i feel could depend so much on other people as much as i do now. it feels crazy, to want so much to feel valued, accepted and respected by these people who i barely know. i feel like i have completely lost faith in my own judgment of things because i keep relying so much on what i hear from other people. i don't know if i still know what is "enough", am i supposed to be constantly adding fuel because i'm not in school any more, and 'good enough' is just no longer..good enough. it drives me crazy to think that other people put in the hours and the effort that they do without breaking a sweat.

whereas i need these hours, pockets of time where i sleep, drink coffee, daydream, procrastinate. so i take 12 hours to do something which may take 6 if only i could stay on gear 3 or 4 all the way. is that not normal? don't people ever feel lazy at times?

i think i'm just a little bit lost.

2013-03-11, 12:35 a.m..
before } after