} drawing class

you know, i'm not happy with myself lately. pimples are sprouting more than ever for no reason (i'm trying not to stress out over the endless breakouts - one goes down and two more appear, i swear - since stress is supposed to make it worse..) and i think i have a bald spot. so, yep, not feeling good.

but (seriously) more than that... i think, even during this short period of time since graduation, i have (inadvertently) been trying to find myself. somehow i'm just discovering the things that i have opinions about, the issues that matter to me. i started voicing out these opinions more. and meeting new people in part B classes, these future colleagues in the legal profession - i think it makes me really think about the kind of lawyer/person i want to be.

for a brief period within the last few months i had felt like i was part of a cause, and that somehow became part of what defined me. when eventually the initiative died down, i think i also realised that i was only there on a superficial level. even then i continued to think about things, thinking about my own initiative and my own cause. as of this moment, i think my conclusion is that i am not made to lead or be part of a cause. regardless of how strongly i feel about something, i don't think i have the drive for it... i'm too impatient and need immediate results. or at least feedback. or something.

in the meantime, i've been continuing with the legal profession journey with the part B course. i have discovered that despite the initial determination, i have about as much motivation for part B work as for law school - i.e. Not Much. and when i see my much more motivated classmates, i wonder if i really know what i'm getting into.

i'm also becoming less and less of a social person i think... it just gets tiring asking people out after a while. would be so much easier if i could establish some kind of routine with friends here and there.

sooo in the midst of all this crap, the time that i am absolutely happiest and the time that i look forward to everyday is the 3-hour drawing class that i signed up for on saturday mornings. i had some hesitation before signing up for this class, but my goodness the happiness it brings me is worth the money and the fact that i have to wake up before 9 on a saturday. sod spa therapies, you know.. i think i need more of these sessions to keep me alive.

the only negative thing about these classes is that they are ending soon. ;_;

and it makes me wonder if something is just staring me in the face and i'm just refusing to acknowledge it. i mean, if i get to choose between a legal treatise and a piece of paper and charcoal on any given day, it's not exactly a dilemma (and i am one indecisive person). then again, i don't think i'm great at drawing for other people... part of what makes me happy is just being able to do what i want to do.

but maybe it's also OK that i'm having some doubt (about..everything)? one thing i've learned from the drawing class (and something i'm still trying to instill) is the need to constantly check and observe the subject while drawing. seems obvious, but often i get so caught up in the detail of something or i'm so convinced that i've got it down and then a minute before the end of the pose i realise that the legs are maybe half an inch too short. :| (happened today.) so maybe it's not doubt exactly, just... constant vigilance. :/

i Really don't know.

2012-10-27, 10:05 p.m..
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