} ultimately, a depressing post

watching Federer play is always amazing, watching him win was tear-jerking. it's given me something to think about, too... although he was definitely amazing i think it was visible at times that he does not have the same stamina as in his younger years (it breaks my heart to write this). it may also mean that it would be more difficult for him to stay on form over consecutive matches and tournaments. despite that, federer has such a distinctive and elegant, effortless way of playing that i think will set him apart from other players, possibly for all time.

in other words. even as i warm up to younger players like mahut (well he is not much younger but i am rooting for him) and murray, respect and admiration for federer will be timeless.

watching sports being played in a godly manner always makes me feel quite sad that i don't play any sports myself - i think there is a unique romanticism in sports that can't be found in any other field. (it comes closest to the romanticism of war, without so much tragedy...) but the most that i can do is to appreciate and admire from afar. there will always be an ignorance and distance that will make the experience incomplete.

the other thing i think about is the fact that i was not born a Roger Federer. that seems very Duh, since there can only be one of each person in the world (unless we go into the doppelganger, antimatter theory.) but, well - and this also has to do with growing older - the realisation makes me all the more aware of the avenues in life that are closed to me. i am not, ever in my life, going to be a tennis great. that sounds awfully egoistic, but it is really the first thought in a chain of thoughts that goes on to eliminate other previously-minute-possibilities that now no longer are.

yet i know that i do, in a way, want to be a Federer, because i also want to be a great in what i do, no matter what it turns out to be. not so much in terms of fame but just accomplishment for my own self-satisfaction.

although it also strikes me that i probably can't reach Federer-level in anything, because i have no particular talent in such a large amount and have never invested so many years in a particular venture.

that brings me to my next thought, which is Time. though i know that i am probably still considered young (even by tennis standards, which are so unforgiving! - a happy thought) i'm becoming more and more aware of how annoyingly quickly time passes. the sooner i figure out what i am going to do, the sooner i put myself into action, the more time i have, to work on improving myself. the more time i'll have to actually build something for myself.

which then leads me to the ever annoying question, What am I doing with my life? and then, you know, i get depressed.

i hate graduation because it means four valuable years have passed and i have little to nothing to show for it.

2012-07-09, 4:03 a.m..
before } after