} not too great

i spent a part of the morning looking at my old notebook from 2 years ago, when i took part in the WongP moot, and at my "script" for the final ILP moot.. i was surprised at how bare it was. everything was in point form (and kind of messy) and now when i look back on them i can hardly imagine how i managed to speak with just those points in mind.

and when i looked back at my notebook, especially - i noticed that i was doing other things at the same time -- this assignment and that assignment, dinner on this day and something else another day. more importantly, i still doodled, i still touched the guitar. yet i managed to do okay. how did everything spiral out of control since then?

of course, it is more serious now, and the stakes are higher. but i can't help but feel that now i am less brave, and less open-minded. less sure? i'm exhausting myself and yet i'm sure i am doing less. so what am i doing??

and despite all ways i've moved forward i think i have also taken several steps backwards. there are a lot - a lot - i will have to re-learn in this short space of time.

and i have to know when it's time to adjust myself and when it's time to be disciplined and firm about going by my own way.

2012-03-12, 2:53 a.m..
before } after