} i dont care if you dont care

i do feel like i've lost at least two friends this semester, and friends that i've only just started to get closer too -- i guess in that way it's less hurtful. i don't think it's them, and i don't think (though i dont know for sure) it's me, but i guess...external things just made us grew apart.

although even besides these two, i have really been growing apart from people... it's been quite an isolated life since ILP (i feel) and i can feel myself receding more and more into a bubble. i only go out with the same people (though they are people that i love so it's not that i'm complaining about). i just havent got much of a life anymore. Hmm. granted, my life was never very exciting at any point, but it has probably hit a pretty low hum-drum right about now.

i think at a certain point i might have stopped trying. i feel so old, more afraid of appearing like a needy loser... why ask when the feelings are obviously not even, you know. so i stick where i know (or think) my company is wanted. otherwise, i am alone.

strangely, it doesn't feel as bad as i would expect. at least for now. i've stopped trying so hard. if you've got the time, let me know. if you want to talk, come talk. i dont know if this is the right way to go about it, but hopefully i'm only applying it to situations that i know are a definite lost cause...

in a way it is bittersweet, losing these 2 friends. something did happen, though i dont know what. its as though i turned my head away, or went to pee or something, and when i come back i can feel that something is different but i dont know what.

..i will keep this up, pretend that i dont care. not if you dont. because at some point maybe i really will stop caring, then i will be all right. whatever happened, i know that i cant fix it, because i can't stop people from wanting to stay away.

sigh i cant help feeling like although i am growing OLDER i am not growing UP.

2011-11-18, 9:28 a.m..
before } after