} not quite there

there are a million thoughts running through my mind right now. i guess it's not as big of a deal as it might sound. there are usually a million thoughts in my head at any one time, and there are also a million thoughts running through anybody's head at any one time. but i don't have access to anybody else's thoughts, so anyway.

my first and foremost thought was that i was really thirsty. i have this kind of thoughts a lot, like "i need to pee" or "i want to get something from the fridge" but i just never have enough motivation to get up, not for a long time. o_o

but i have remedied that situation now and made a cup of tea. the water in the kettle is freshly boiled. YES! *perfect timing*

the second thought under that was that i really should be working on my Conflicts essay. i also have this kind of thoughts a lot, and yet i won't move a muscle, not for a long time.

but i have also remedied that by moving from my room to the table outside. and putting my papers near me within an arm's reach so i don't have to get over the inertia of moving again. :P

from there thoughts are less organised, taking turns to come to the surface in no particular order of priority. i think about the problems i've been having getting along with my mum.. it's been a few weeks now. i think about the complicated-but-not situation i have with my sister, which has been going on for years. i think about why i've been feeling so crappy this past week, and why i just haven't been able to do anything much this entire week. i think about how i've thought about London more often this week, as a consequence.. this place which i will always associate with happier days. a few days ago i realised i felt like i was back to how i was before London, just in terms of the unhappiness:happiness ratio. i wonder how it was possible that i could have had months of barely-interrupted happiness. maybe that made me start expecting more out of my life, unreasonable expectations.

i've been wondering, not only now but this whole week, whether it is possible for me to achieve that level of happiness without being somewhere else. somewhere along the way i concluded that the answer is just, to move out. but i wonder if that is just evading the problem rather than solving it. everyone else with somewhat normal families (of course every family has their problems) can get along with - no, can love their family members. and i dont know why i cant love my own mother. yes, people can say that, you know, surely, there must be some love deep down. maybe im just too immature. but her faults are not faults that i can accept. what should make me love her only annoys me. there ARE a lot of things that are frustrating in this house, but i wonder if i shouldn't be half as frustrated as i get. after all i should be used to this after 22 years, and i don't know why it's getting more unbearable instead.

so for now, while the puzzle remains unsolved, i think i'll run away. i'll set my sights on leaving rather than have us continue to chafe at each other. but there's still a long time to go.

and then i think about how it all comes from within, maybe it starts from an unhappiness with myself in the first place. the insecurity that makes me defensive and more easily irritated, like some animal in the jungle. :/ i haven't had reasons to be happy with myself lately.

when i get tired of these thoughts i drift to other things, like how much i'd rather be cycling, going to the beach and pretending to be reading (trying to look cool), anything other than always forcing myself to do some work. :/ i think about how i wish all of us in the moot team were more into the work that we're doing - i don't think we've quite thrown ourselves into the deep end yet, and i wonder if we ever will go beyond skimming the surface and being polite with each other. other people have high expectations of this team, but personally, i'm not buying. just haven't got the Good Feeling about this venture, yet.

AAAIIIIIIISH

2011-10-30, 1:51 p.m..
before } after


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