} :| Seriously

this is bad. i am practically MOPING, more than actually doing things. i hate it when im not doing things. i need to roll up my sleeves, feel like im working hard. the difficulty here is that i've been faced with very Existentialist thoughts recently.

e.g. i can't shop any more because this is my thought process:
1. Hmm nice shirt.
2. Can I afford this shirt?
3. Do I want this shirt?
4. Why do I want this shirt? Because it looks nice.
5. Why do I need a nice shirt? I have a nice shirt at home.
6. I should have one more nice shirt.
7. Why do I need variety in my clothes? Why do I need to look nice? Maybe I don't need to look nice.
8. Who am I dressing for anyway? And why do I need to look nice for them??
...
etc.

SIMILARLY, when i'm faced with work, or applying for internships, or settling other important stuff, my thought process now is:
1. I should do this right now.
2. But why do I need to do this? Because I should prepare the tutorial questions for class.
3. But why do I need to? Because I'll understand the class better.
4. Why do I need to understand the class better? Why do I need to do well.
5. So I can get good results, get a good job.
6. Why do I need a good job? Why do I need a high income? Why do I even need a job? Why can't I just busk for money and live on 5 bucks a day? What do I need in life????
...etc.

Actually that last question reminds me of Edward Albee's play, The Lady From Dubuque, which I watched last week (not a bad performance by w!ld rice). at one point the character Jo, who is dying from terminal illness, asks what she would need when death is imminent. What would she need then? Who would she need? Would she need anything at all?

it is dangerous, thinking about how nothing really matters, because i no longer know what im doing or why im doing what i do.

i think i'm in a crisis.

2010-10-01, 10:57 p.m..
before } after