} just a rant

there's something wrong with my computer. last night after using it i Hibernate-d it, and i watched it as the power flickered off. the battery was full (i kept the laptop charged). when it was completely turned off i put the laptop in my bag. JUST NOW i took out the laptop and the battery is dead?? what??? something is making my laptop turn on by itself in the middle of the night and waste its battery away. :/ im quite annoyed because i cant figure out whats making the laptop turn on by itself.

speaking of annoyance... i woke up today in the worst mood possible. i had the sort of dream where i got REALLY annoyed with people in the dream (who i don't know in real life/probably don't exist) and that affected me when i woke up.

one of the worst things about me is how i take out my grumpiness on people... and usually most on the people that i am determined not to get annoyed at. random strangers, on the other hand, get the courtesy and smiles. i hate myself for that. :| which is why i also really, really hate my off days. i wish i could be more truthful, and maybe a little better at expressing myself, so i dont keep containing so much negative energy, and then spewing it out in its purest and vilest form.

i wish i could tell my mum that she annoys me, without hurting her feelings too much or whatever. thats the simplest way i can put this personal issue, the way i havent been able to talk about it to people because it sounds so silly. i dont think i have a true reasonable reason for being annoyed at my mum. i guess the best excuse is that i have degenerated to the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old. i just want independence from my mum. i would like minimal contact, please.

the thing is, she is so needy. and i dont want her to take that out on me. the thing is, i think my mum has unofficially picked me as her favourite out of the 3 of us. oh my God. that is just something i cannot reciprocate. i dont hate my mum and i dont want to hate her either, but i think i can only take her in very small doses. so i guess i feel a compulsion to be as cold as i can just so she never gets the wrong idea.

dont ask me to make it make sense or how my relationship with my family will ever work out, because i dont know either. i probably sound like a horrible and stupid person by the end of this page, but i REALLY needed to get this out in complete sentences or i will go mad.

a few weeks ago i was actually telling denise that it might be better for all of us if my mum went back to jakarta to stay with my dad. i thought it would make a lot of sense since she would have her friends and family too to keep her occupied. and then my siblings and i might actually get a chance to grow up. but bringing up the whole idea would actually involve TALKING to my mum (something which i try to avoid entirely, nowadays..) and she is really the type who will turn it into a spleening conversation and bring up the whole 'so you dont want me here' kind of dramatisation. oh my God.

today actually ended up being a pretty good day. i met yvonne for brunch, finally tried the all day brekky at coffee bean (sorry i just really wanted to use the word brekky) which was yummy. traipsing through toa payoh after that which is always fun, comes with the thrill of not knowing what you'll find and yet it will always be at a cheap price. haha. i wish i had explored chinatown more during the internship, there is a particular shoe stall which has caught my eye.

i thought of going home, shuddered a little, and went to orchard instead, where i spent the whole afternoon agonising over how i should spend my zara vouchers. i went against practical sense (i had planned to use the vouchers to invest in work clothes) and instead picked things that i know i would never buy if i didnt have the vouchers. im happy. c: and then i spent the bus ride home and another few hours on the sofa reading The Eyre Affair. i became a fan of jasper fforde not long ago. not particularly fantastic linguistically but big kudos for creativity and entertainment value. his world makes sense and no sense at the same time. not to mention, his books make me want to read other books.

im happy c: but im not. there is that discontent that swells up at the end of the day, because at the end of the day im this weak person who cant express herself properly and that seems really to be the brunt of the issues i have with myself. maybe i should really forget about being nice, and just really focus on being truthful. when did i start being nice anyway?? its an annoying habit that i really need to kick.

2010-06-05, 10:32 p.m..
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