some time in between my childhood and now soon-to-be-adulthood, i have become mild. i dont know who will believe me, but i was once all fiery temper. i threw not only tempers but i literally threw things around too, at all the smallest things. I think law school only made it worse.. it forces me to be reasonable all the time. without being reasonable i can't win, can never win.

just the other day i was also thinking about how ambition-less i am. in many ways i am content to just get by, i enjoy the little things that come my way. i like being laid-back. but at the same time it also feels lazy, when i'm not, you know, fighting for something. working towards something. i envy those who know what they want and are working so hard towards it.

over the past week, a few things have set these thoughts churning in my head. the first was the jamie cullum concert. without exaggerating i would say that it was pretty phenomenal. looking up his music on youtube, i realise that for the most part he seems quite ordinary. if i hadn't gone for the concert i would not have believed, ever, that he is such an electrifying personality. from the moment he entered the stage he was just so full of energy, dancing around and climbing on the piano and jumping off the piano, its hard not to get excited too. and then somewhere along the second last song he turned the entire Esplanade concert hall into a mega club with everyone basically dancing and waving their mobile phone in the air.. it was amazing!

the second thing was an old 1970s manga i started reading called Glass Mask... i only read one volume last time, when i was small, and when i found out that the discontinued series was being worked on again, i got curious and decided to read from the start. one of the pages i've stuck up there. its basically about a girl who is hopeless at everything else, but has a natural talent for acting. she ran away from home at 13 to suddenly explode into immediate success, only to meet a huge failure, and then she decides to start over with her career. the whole manga is very passionate with very passionate characters, especially the 2 main characters. the effort they will go into to really get into their acting roles is always extreme, to say the least (they are pretty much method actors).

the link between the jamie cullum concert and Glass Mask is that, both of them feature really passionate performances. my first reaction to both instances was shock and discomfort.. and then subsequently, they reminded me that this is the quality that i have slowly lost over the years. the ability to throw all of myself into something with WILD ABANDON. to just, you know, put in all my effort and sweat and tears into something! that's the feeling that i miss. and the feeling of having DREAMS...

now i know, if you truly loved something, it should be the one keeping you up.
here is where head separates from heart.

2010-04-17, 7:05 p.m..
before } after