} im very sleepy so this might not make sense

i think maybe i've been so preoccupied with having friends (or not) that im forgetting to be a friend... :/

last friday was my last day at ikea. man im having such a hard time blogging about this now even though i thought i knew exactly what i wanted to write last friday! i dont think i can say that i ever ENJOYED my work at ikea. its not easy work, its not good money. but it affected me somehow, my 2-month stint there. it made me feel a bit empty. who are lawyers and judges, or even bankers and architects and whatnot, compared to these people? these aunties and uncles know the meaning of hard work. words were all i learnt this past year, but words dont mean anything to them, maybe only songs in canto.

one of the uncles who fry the chicken wings (i call them the chicken wing uncles haha) told me to study hard and find work elsewhere ('dont ever let me see you here again!' - his almost-exact words). i just laughed then but he's right of course. im never going back to that place. but to do what - to study, become a lawyer, make a 'real' difference? who am i kidding. these words, these ideas mean nothing to these people. and my ideas mean nothing to anyone outside of my vicinity. arguably there is nothing as 'real' as serving someone a plate of chicken wings.

the more i think about it, the more i dont trust words. words can be dressed up, so that they look wonderful but mean nothing. the other day esther was telling me about how she saved a blind person from oncoming vehicle. i recounted to her my own shameful story of how i failed to take any action when i saw someone who could have been dead, or in trouble. in the end i failed my own expectations. three years from now i only hope to remember to not only fight in words or in court, but to go out sometimes and pull someone out of the way of an oncoming bus.

(not that im bashing the law profession actually. im actually very tired of the general lawyer bashing.)

im just acknowledging that im really just a girl. just a girl who, when it came right down to it, couldnt even say 'i'll miss you' to the aunties and uncles at ikea. maybe because they affected me deeply and i was afraid of looking overly sentimental. but i still regret that. :/

2009-08-05, 1:13 a.m..
before } after