} tbc

hmmm i thinkk monday's little session kind of opened my eyes ever so unwillingly: i've always been trying to be someone else. and i really havent accepted myself. not even a little bit. but to be fair, i dont think that representation of me was entirely accurate either... i think i may be losing a little bit of myself. the little bit of me that just wants to be carefree, learn guitar and practise riding a bike is losing out to the little bit of me thats trying so hard to fit in, thats getting caught up in, well, stupid things thats really not worth bothering with.

i think you know you've come to a problem when someone asks what your hobbies are and you can't think of an answer.

i want - no, i NEED to be able to feel happy and excited about things again. :/ meaning schmeaning..really. you should do something because it makes you happy, dammit. :(

EDIT:
for a long time now i've been moody... havent been laughing enough, dancing enough, singing in the showers enough. the last time i laughed properly was...sunday? i was with denise looking at a really nice expensive flat near ps with great long steps leading up to it... we considered how tiring it would be to climb that. and i said, at least people only have to climb up to get home, not the other way; cant imagine climbing so many steps when they're in a rush to get out! and then she said, when will you ever need to climb up to get out of the house?? and we considered underground living. or in a valley. i duno what made it funny, but we laughed anyway.

im so so glad theres no classes today... the day seems to stretch aheadd and it feels good to be able to decide what i want and need to do. suddenly i just feel like having a chat. with anyone. just..a friend. and it could be about anything.. doesnt have to be anything serious or deep, anything from american idol to ..submarines. when im with people i dont take advantage of it so much, i dont talk enough aiyah. :/

been taking stuff too seriously. whats the point of this, or the point of that, scolding myself, turning a cynical eye at everyone, caught up in stupid jealousies. it wears me out so i find it tiring to be happy. feelings are fluffy things and people discredit them, but in the end they're all that matters, right.

ok that felt pretty good. like shitting. (haha sorry about the crude comparison but thats the best analogy ok.) feel lighter now.

EDIT AGAIN:
i should be ashamed because what i've been trying to say in this long rambling entry is summed up in this song that has been playing so much for months and months it starts to get annoying:

i've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
and bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
but my breath fogged up the glass
and so i drew a new face and laughed

i guess what i be sayin is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
its what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

but i won't hesitate
no more, no more
...

and so it goes on, i think even the martians know it by now.

(i was going to put a video but i cant find the really nice acoustic version i watched some time ago on youtube, so never mind. :/)



2009-03-17, 11:09 p.m..
before } after


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