lyrics by the drastic fantastic KT Tunstall

change is a cunning thing, it creeps up on you like a tidal wave, yknow, when you realise you're in trouble it's too late and you're already being carried off to the land of oz. or at least thats how i feel. when i look at where things stand now, new realities sinking in... my sister applying for a singapore citizenship, friends going their separate ways, the realisation that my parents are looking much older than before.. i guess its all these signs that convince me that a new chapter of life is about to unravel itself.

even in the workplace, our manager Ron and our favourite full-time chef Jingle have left the building, and as the dirty suspicions behind this outcome are discussed i guess the saddest thing about it all is not simply that Ron is getting sent back to the Philippines today - its the miserable feeling that the 'bad guys' won in the end. and now going to work is all right, pleasant enough, but i do get the sick aftertaste of what some of the people there are really capable of.

it may be perfect timing... recently i've started having new doubts about going to law school, although i know its too late to back out now. just new fears, and insecurities... but now that i feel the frustrating powerlessness of being willing but unable to help someone out, i guess im reminded of why im doing this, naive ambition though it may be. and at least i feel like i made the right decision on hindsight.

a lot has happened, recently... last week i went to watch the juniors' concert at NJ and the ensemble that i saw was unrecognisable from the one i used to be in. i mean... duh, i guess, cos the people are different, but i felt like the whole feeling is different too. there is a whole new vibe with this group of people, and watching them i felt not sad, just maybe a little nostalgic and a strange sudden understanding that this is no longer my place. this is no longer my territory.

i made a mistake with ARC, i tried to hold on to it and the feeling/spirit of the group for too long. i couldnt accept the new group's ways as they were, it took me a long time to let go. now i think its easier for me to let go and not interfere so much with things. so i guess i've changed as well.

and i tried to take hold of my life's reins.. i made a decision that i think i will always be proud of. in late june i decided, despite raised eyebrows, to go back to jakarta by myself. in the past i only went with my family, but in recent years because of everyone's different commitments, it became hard to go back, and out of habit i just went along with it. this time i decided i was tired of waiting for everyone else, so i went myself.

and it felt weird at first, i became the 'kid from singapore' and i guess people forgot that once upon a time i've actually lived in jakarta. after a while i decided not to care about what anyone said, even if it hurt, cos i made my choice. even though singapore may be more familiar to me now, and i have more friends here, i know that jakarta will always be my hometown and that is where i want to go back to. i dont ever want to miss out on all the gatherings, seeing my cousins grow up, all the future weddings, etc. it is just too much to sacrifice even for a safer home or better prospects.

and then, after all this, there is also the comfort that some things never change. like sitting on a grass patch and talking with suhui and glory... dear brudders, i know its inevitable that all of us will change in some way, but i really hope our wonderful lame corny friendship never will.

in a way i also hope that i wont change too much ... maybe at the surface but not at the core. i hope i can remind myself time and time again that it is always, always better to lighten up and remember the important things (like friendships and relationships) than to get caught up in stress and competition and self-centred ambitions.

this whole holiday has been like a dream, really. like the pause that i needed to rediscover myself and everything around me. and now life is about to begin again, the real 2008 starts now... but meanwhile i think i'd like to go back to the sofa and watch DVDs.

have a lazy and happy remainder-of-holiday, people.

2008-07-17, 11:36 a.m..
before } after