} plea for advice

ahhhh. i just want to be lying on my bed with my guitar now.

I have to reply (whether accept, or reject) to the nanyang scholarship by 26 may, i.e. next monday.

which effectively means, I have to decide between NTU Art Design Media and SMU/NUS Law by next monday. i cant take this kind of pressure! :( *dramadrama* hahaha.

and upon reading the LSE offer letter closer, it turns out they have a financial support scheme for overseas students. though I want to be at UCL, LSE would have been my second choice anyway. i hate it when there's suddenly another glimmer of hope. it makes it that much harder to let go.

so this is my last avenue, this and the possibility of finding interest-free student loans, although half of me is tired and wants to give up.

i dont know how. i dont recall ever giving up on anything important to me. when i was in indonesia, i took ballet classes. when i was 9, the year we moved to singapore, i had a performance in september. i would have missed it because we were scheduled to leave earlier. i fought for it, and we ended up flying off a few days after the performance. sometimes i hate being so stubborn... i know it can bring a lot of pain to others, though what they may not know is that it brings a lot of pain to me, too. so why be so stubborn? im too stubborn to stop being stubborn. haha.

also thinking of deferring my place in the school(s), checking out if its even possible, for one? will i be able to attend a year from now, though? what difference does a year make, i wonder. or should i go through the application process again next year. i wish there was someone that i could ask about all this. like a mentor... but im not close to any of my teachers in JC. yet another regret. but anyway, i think i need a more concrete plan.

i think i have a commitment issue that makes it hard for me to make decisions. i need to always keep possibilities open. i need to know that even if i do take a step forward, i can always step back any time and the other doors will still be open.

i need advice. (on all the stuff above, haha.) someone, anyone, please. =(

(dry-hollow-laugh thought of the day: thousands are dying in Myanmar and Sichuan and here I am thinking it's the end of the world for me just because I cant make a personal decision...)

2008-05-20, 2:22 p.m..
before } after