} more ranting

i know im overwhelmed with stress, the too-many-thoughts kind of stress (as opposed to the too-many-things-to-do kind of stress, which i prefer considerably) when i start eating without thinking. and these days i've been eating so much sweet stuff without much thought/care. partly because i developed the habit of popping chocolates into my mouth ever since i started working at the cafe, i guess... but also because it's an easy way to distract myself from all the thoughts in my head.

the thought dominating my head is the whole uni thing, as i wrote in the previous post. (i also know im under stress when i start blogging a lot. seems to help ease the load on my mind, even if it doesn't help with the real problem.) i really, really just cant seem to let go of one or the other. im scared that picking one will ultimately close the other door. i duno if im making sense...

another thing is work. its been very frustrating lately, i dont get any assignments from my boss so i ask around if i can help with anything... the thing is i KNOW i can help because i type fast but no one seems to want to bother to explain to me what is to be done, or maybe they dont feel comfortable asking me or what. I DUNNO. but here i am with nothing to do and everyone else is stressing out because the publication date is just around the corner. its really, really annoying. and to think i wouldnt be having this problem if not for the stupid language barrier.

its really really frustrating. i could sit back and watch them stress out but i cant because its too annoying because i know i can get the work done fast. (i know this sounds like im showing off but its just the truth, i've been a typing nut since young and although i've slowed down i can still hit 90wpm on a good day)

and then there's the compulsive eating thing. its a horrible habit. my last target was the leftover of my colleague's birthday cake, from last week. it was hardening but i still ate it. i just stopped because i'm feeling nauseous.

i have to admit im health conscious. especially since last year. i dont pay attention to my weight much, because i know weight gain can also be a good sign (and i get easily annoyed by weight-obsessive people because it seems like they dont understand that losing weight could mean losing muscle, fibre, bone density etc which is all really bad) but i do pay attention to my flabs. haha. yes im very self-conscious. but when im eating compulsively i dont care anymore, until guilt overtakes me. what i ate so far today alone is pretty horrifying.

i think i need a jog soon. maybe today. might help clear my head a little too. but the problem is im too scared to make a decision because im scared i will regret it. i dont know when or if i will ever come to a decision this way.

2008-05-12, 3:52 p.m..
before } after