} the one about the adm video, not sleeping + making decisions

blogging during work again! haha, im horrible. would be some kick in the head if it turns out what my boss does every time he shuts his office door is, in fact, monitor everyone's internet activity...

doing another A4 design now BUT its not a monstrous 800ppi file so i can have *counts* 12 program windows open simultaneously. =D

well anyway, like i said in my previous post, there is a lot i want to blog about. one of those things is the completion of my NTU admission video. first of all thanks to everyone who helped, everyone who even had the slightest intention of helping. i know its not a big thing that i asked you all to do, and its not like i got a MAASSSIVE response, but what i got was very touching. most of you who helped, i dont even talk to you on a regular basis, and cant claim to be your close friend either. so it was wonderful to get your videos. thank you, thank you, thank you.

help and encouragement from others aside, the whole video-making experience was, honestly, HORRIFIC. i am not joking. first of all, i procrastinated. and then when the time came to really get down to it, i was stumped for ideas, i had work, burnt my hand, fell sick, scholarship & uni apps, etc etc etc. all those...excuses? haha. (but i dont regret the 2 concerts i went to, hurhur, they were FABULOUS and worth every cent..and this coming from a cheapskate!)

to get an idea of how horrifically last-minute it was, well.. i did most of my final filming (i.e., the footage i used in the end) on monday evening. (the deadline was tuesday.) so obviously, sleeping became out of the question that night... i was a proper zombie for the whole of tuesday, maybe wednesday too, could have executed michael jackson's Thriller moves perfectly, etc.

and from then on, it was basically, camping myself in my brother's room with 2 laptops (the 'family' laptop, which i normally use, was somehow cocked up so i had to grab my brother's), a bottle of water, my bolster for company, and various things to keep me awake. wont talk about the little frustrations along the way, although actually i never really felt anger/frustration, just a weird calmness and this constant desperation to finish.

i finally finished at about 10 or 11. it felt like a miracle. when i finished, i had a strange feeling. it felt like i had been sleeping the whole night, like unaware of all the other things around me, and when i finished it was like feeling my surroundings again for the first time. weirdd.

well, a real torture though it was, i think making the video really made me see myself properly for the first time, in a lot of ways. i acted the 2 main roles in my own video, which turned out to be a bad idea, because i am really really bad at acting. one thing i realised is that i tend to MUMBLE a lot. like, mumblemumblemumble. when i played back the videos, i was like, SPEAK UP GIRL!!! so irritated with myself, haha. :S also, i look really really awkward most of the time when i talk, and with my gestures. at first it was just uncomfortable, watching myself, but i guess its good to know and im more aware of myself now, in a good way.

doing the video was actually what made me seriously doubt my decision to apply for Law (in UK and at NUS). i mean, i always knew that it would be tough, but on tuesday (after i submitted the things at NTU) i seriously seriously began to chicken out, so badly that i wanted to change my choices desperately. i started thinking about the kind of people that would prob go for law: debaters, really outspoken people with real opinions about things... and then i thought about me, how awkward i look when i was being filmed, how apprehensive i was of class participation, how my opinion was always so easily influenced during gp classes. and i started thinking about how hell-rific law school would be for me, this quiet undecided awkward person.

and then... i didnt change it, i kept law as first choice. i continue looking for scholarships to the UK. i dont really know why.. im still doubtful of myself, but somehow i feel like going through with it. maybe its what tong chong said during our chance meeting at the natl lib: that years down the road, i would look back and regret not trying it. it was simple wisdom and she was right. and the inclination to study architecture instead left as suddenly as it came. weirdd.

or maybe i was just too tired to think anymore. when i reached home that day i was so stoned that i only had the energy to log on and cancel my double degree choices. i considered my choices for only a few seconds, and then i went 'pffff whatever' and went to sleep.

good tip for when you have to make an important decision: make a decision, any decision, and do not sleep for 2 nights. in the end you get so tired that you will be able to prioritise perfectly (ie., sleep holds highest priority). if its important enough you will prob find some energy to change your mind. if the greater inclination is to drop dead, you've prob made the right choice.

ok actually thats an untested method so it may be dangerous to use for really important things, like wedding proposals and whether or not to bypass heart surgery?? (sigh, i miss watching grey's.) let me go to law school first (if i even get in) and judge if i've made a mistake.

(a question that may be on your mind now: WHY did this girl just go through hell to submit admission requirements for an artdesign&media course if she's thinking so much about law school. answer: havent dealt with the law vs art dilemma yet. oh dear..)

2008-04-03, 3:44 p.m..
before } after


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