} spam and more venting! please ignore

recently i've been getting a LOT of junk mail saying that i've gotten a lot of money. you know, those 'YOU'VE WON!!!' spam e-mails from goodness knows where. usually i get a lot from lawyers in africa, saying that some millionaire has died leaving behind all this money to no one and the lawyer doesnt know what to do with it (PLEASE, as if anyone doesnt know what to do with a million bucks) so he's giving it to me (of all people). if any of the e-mails were true at all i would rather knock some sense into these stupid lawyers and have the money go towards the african people, goodness me.

but recently, instead i've been getting e-mails saying i've won UK sweepstakes and lotteries, which kind of hurts a bit. =( haha. for one thing everyone around me already keeps asking where im headed, and saying 'im trying for uk law but cant go unless i find scholarship' about fifty times a day kind of makes the reality of it sink in more and more every time.

lets get the facts out and clear once and for all. my family cannot afford to pay for an overseas education for me. especially not in the UK. yes its true that i live in a condo apartment. but please have some sense: being able to own a condo, which is paid for with mortgage, paid back in many many installments, over the course of years, does not equal to being able to pay S$200,000 for a uni education. i am grateful to say that my family cannot be considered poor. we are comfortable, but not rich. yes i know of many rich chinese indonesians, but my family is not one of them. the next person who says 'but you live in a condo!/but indonesians are so rich!' when i say i cant afford to go overseas myself is going to get a well-deserved punch because i am tired, fed up and discouraged.

i know i should take a more positive outlook and keep trying instead of complain. i should be grateful that i am able to consider going overseas at all. and i am, i really am. but...i duno how to really explain it, but this whole uni application process since 6 months ago has been all up-and-down, and i guess now im at the down part.. when i first applied i was at UP, all hopeful and full of anticipation, applying for jardine, hoping for oxford. then came the oxford rejection, and the jardine rejection, so that was the down. and then came the offers from other unis (UP), followed by the bleak realisation that i no longer have a scholarship prospect to bank on (DOWN). then i applied for more scholarships, and a few US universities, and the struggle to complete a portfolio kept my juices going (UP), followed by all the transcripts problem where none of my US applications got mr sim's transcripts (DOWN). and then A level results, knowing i've met the conditions of my offers (UP) and now, once again, the horrible prospect of money standing in the way between me and england (or scotland). (DOWNNN)

sorry to complain so much like this. i know i shouldnt. but at this point i am so tired. im tired of having to 'sell' myself, pretending to be more ambitious than i really am... im tired of wondering if its really worth it, and then dragging myself out to do it because it pains me too much to give up on this last stretch. and im tired of people who casually say 'can, laaaahhh' when i say that im trying to find scholarships. i guess i can look at it positively, that they are just confident in my ability, but its really not as easy as they make it out to be. my results may be decent but anyone realistic enough would know that it is nowhere near the top tier, those with 7 and 8 distinctions, 2 H3s and goodness knows what else. so please, even if you mean well.

once again sorry for this post, i know im supposed to be really grateful and happy about my results and prospects and i AM, and i should sympathise with those who are disappointed with their results and i DO (although i dont sound like it and people will prob still scoff at me anyway), but like i said im just in the DOWN part of my cycle, haha, and then i get these stupid emails saying i've won 2 million pounds on the UK lottery as though even these spammers KNOW and they're taunting me.

so. yes. not in a great mood. top it all off with a bunch of colleagues who talk in chinese and feeling alienated, and a boss who cheated my feelings by giving me jobs totally unrelated to what he described during my job interview, and so, well, i am bloody fed up. one of these days i may just give my boss a thrashing because he really deserves it. why is everyone in management such an idiot???

2008-03-17, 8:59 p.m..
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