} whaaaaaat

first of all, omg, WHAT happened to diaryland?? :( now it looks all dark and emo and wordy.. i want the happy flowery pink and blue diaryland back :( (yes ok im a sissy at heart) this doesnt even look like a Diaryland anymore. :(

oh well. anyway. i have to write about this cos i've been feeling seriously upset about it over the past few days. last saturday was my first day waitressing at the max brenner's chocolate bar at esplanade, and it went ok.. i learned how to make some of the drinks, tried my best to make myself useful, but i guess i was really slow all the same. then sunday i worked again, and i tried to make myself work harder, but i still lacked that 'service-initiative' (like refilling people's glasses etc etc) and i was still super slow and i still wasnt really warming up to my coworkers.

so i was pretty upset those two days, and i couldnt imagine myself working there anymore. and then yesterday, i was supposed to get a call about my schedule for the week, but i didnt. so after i finished work at the office (more on that other job later) i called the cafe and i found out that im not on the schedule at all for this week! and yeah that made me a bit upset.

ok i know you may be thinking 'come on its just a job, and anyway you wanted a break' and truth be told i also cant really explain why this means so much to me. i think deep inside i really wanted to come out of my shell and do something different and scary for once, and i wanted to prove myself, so now that i've failed i feel like i'm hitting rock bottom. like im seeing the proof that this really isnt meant for me and i should just stick to doing all the quiet-individual-no-need-to-talk-to-people kind of work.

i dont think max brenner's will call me anymore, and i think after this i may take a long time before i gather enough confidence to try something like this again. thats what makes it so sucky, like although i was supposed to gain confidence through this i just lost a lot of it instead. and i really really wanted to make it work, but i doubt im getting another chance.

and haha ok i guess im starting to sound stupid. well another reason why i've been feeling a bit upset is my other job. its an office job, but its design work, thats why i went for it. but when im at work, especially yesterday, i feel so isolated because my work doesnt seem to involve other people (the boss told me to specifically report to him only, and anyway the others are clueless when i ask them something about my work), and the environment is rather (i hate making it sound like its a bad thing) chinese, so i dont understand a lot and i feel kind of lonely i guess. today was better though, i accomplished more work now that im starting to understand what im supposed to do, and i tried communicating with my chinaman (haha meant in a more endearing than offensive way) colleague, who speaks less english than i know chinese, through a lot of sign language. just.. playing along i guess, trying to just enjoy myself (chinese radio is quite ok) and produce some good work.

and also i just read this on one of the wongfu guys' blog (haha everything wongfu makes me happy) "...Anyway, Lewis' main motto in the movie was "Keep moving forward". No matter what mistakes you make, or however you've failed, you must keep moving forward. Never quit, never turn it into anger at others or yourself. Turned out it was taken from a quote from Walt Disney himself." and yea. im still a bit upset about the cafe thing but its no use feeling angry at myself and il just have to move on now, i always have. & maybe when i've gathered enough courage i'll give this thing another try.

anyway one thing i've decided, is that i DO NOT EVER EVER EVER WANT TO WORK FULL-TIME AS ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES SITTING & STARING AT A COMPUTER THE WHOLE DAY. even the funner stuff like graphic designer, etc. no no no! maybe once in a while like freelance, but never ever ever full-time. here is why:

1. my butt & thighs will be even more GINORMOUS than before
2. i will be BLIND by the time im...40

honestly, staring at a computer is so damn tiring, when i took my toilet break i went for like 20 mins or something.

BTW, the toilet at the office building is really cool, it has the machine where you pull down the towel to dry your hands. ok i know you're thinking 'please i've seen that before' but WAIT! its not paper towel! its a cloth towel, and once you're done wiping your hands it kind of goes WHIRRRRR and it circulates back into the machine. COOLNESS yay for saving paper. (although i hope people dont use it for wiping other things......)

speaking of saving the environment, one good thing about the new diaryland design is that it saves electricity because of its black bg, or so says blackle anyway. still, i wish i could have those flowers and smiley people back. :(

and wow i managed to return to the first subject of my entry again! this isnt the first time.

2008-03-04, 10:53 p.m..
before } after