} flu

im not sure how i got sick. it might have been...
a) walking to school through the long main gate way in the rain
b) mental exhaustion after the really long day on wednesday
c) the stress of the interview that followed
d) all of the above

oh, and i might also have worsened things by walking around for the rest of the day, after the interview, although my head was woozy and i kept feeling hot/cold. it was worth it, though. saw so many gorgeous things that it was worth it. and found a nice green dress which is kind of like a very long t-shirt and a cool zip at the back in the shape of a star, and pockets. it was comfortable to wear as a top, although worn as a dress i felt very naked. like when im at home and im wearing a baggy tshirt and i havent put my shorts on.

but anyway.

so yesterday night i got home, realised i couldnt bear the thought of eating, bathed, and popped all the medicine i could think of into my mouth with some chocolate milk. which felt nauseating, because i dont drink milk regularly anymore and it kind of sickens me now. but for the sake of my throat, i drank it, brushed my teeth, then went straight to sleep. it wasnt very good sleep though. i think i probably only spent a small proportion of the time sleeping, most of it i spent just lying in bed and swallowing my saliva a lot like it would help my throat, and huddling in blankets cos i was probably feverish, too.

so this morning/afternoon (i didnt have my glasses on most of the time, and anyway i hardly bothered to check the time) my dad took me to mt alvernia and luckily the waiting time was really short. and for the rest of the day it was just sleeping/reading an old book/stoning. my throat is a lot better though, although my nose feels more blocked. but for some reason i much prefer a blocked nose to a burning throat, so im very grateful.

when im sick i think im most grateful that i have fats. when im just lying there shivering somehow i feel like those flabby things are helping to keep me warm, like blubber in whales and seals. i wonder how those supermodels and superskinny people like wanting survive being sick.

also when im sick, there are 3 things i wish for: some kind of special vacuum cleaner to suck all the mucus from my nose/throat so it can be clear again, some magical lubricant for my throat so i dont have to drink water every 5 mins (and go to the toilet every 5 mins), and a massage. whatever muscles i had feel like jelly now, and im extra sensitive to aches. like if i lean against the wall for too long the pain just stays there, like it has made a depression in my back. i dont like painkillers though cos now i know taking too much of it can lead to drug tolerance and dependency... which is bad. but when i think about stuff like this i tend to think about h3 chem and then i remember theres so many things i need to do and that feels quite stressful. so i think about something else, cos today is supposed to be kind of like a vacation away from everything.

its getting a bit boring though. there is nothing to do except lie around/sleep/etc and neither do i feel like doing anything else. i tried playing guitar but realised i dont know many songs that doesnt need singing, and its kind of dull just playing chords over and over again after some time. the only nonsinging songs i know are vivaldi and bridge, but playing those just feels empty without the rest of the ensemble, and then i get emo and wish i could go back to those syf times.

in fact having so much space to myself is making me think, and think a lot. like how some friends have drifted away and im not so close to them anymore. and i wonder if its my fault and if i should have done a better job keeping them close to me, or something. or maybe i have pushed them away or something. and i also think of acquaintances that COULD have become closer friends but i never bothered or something and now we just dont talk at all. and its just hurtful i guess because i start thinking that if i opened up to people more then maybe i might be a much happier person.

sometimes i think of the holiday jobs that i could take, or how it would be like in uni, without really knowing where i'll be or what i'll be studying.

and at one point i thought about running, and how i feel like i might go crazy if i dont run soon cos it feels like forever since i last went for a jog. and having my nose so clogged up has never made the idea of swimming so horrible and that makes me want to run more.

other times i think of a levels, and 'what the hell am i doing', i should do this and this and this once i get better, and then i dont feel like getting better at all. i feel like theres still so many things i havent revised and prepared, and while i've always told myself that i will be allright when the time comes, now im thinking that maybe i might really, really, just screw up my a's. and how lost that would make me feel cos then i would have no options left, would i? its just scary, and i dont have a good feeling about it. how can i still feel so unprepared when its only 2-3 weeks away? still failing essays, compres, etc etc, that by now i wonder if its still possible to do well for anything at all.

i know i shouldnt think about that, and just focus on doing my best, but i guess i cant help it when theres so much space to think. what a scared person i am, plus all sorts of random thoughts. today my mum told me that i was born in the morning, and my maid once told me that people who are born in the night wouldnt be afraid of the dark, and vice versa. no wonder im so scared of the dark. i wonder why i never knew things like this before, if my mum never bothered to say or i never bothered to listen. i only know that my mum once fell down when she was pregnant with me, which explains a lot of things i guess, ha ha.

anyway im feeling quite tired and gross and im looking like L from death note (tiffany was right, haha) cos of the dark lines under my eyes and my hair in a mess so im just gona go back to lying around/bleh. hope i dont fall asleep before taking med.

2007-10-12, 7:28 p.m..
before } after