} .

well. im disappointed. in myself. i thought i would come out of the interview a bigger person, you know, feel really good about myself and everything, not because i thought it would turn out well, but just because i did it. a year ago i wouldnt have dreamt of applying to oxford, and just last week, before reading the email, i wouldnt have imagined going for this interview (cos i didnt know all applicants would get an interview). and i guess i am happy that i went for it.

but still i cant help but feel disappointed. i guess even though i kind of knew that i probably wont make it, that i dont really deserve a place there, i kind of half-hoped that i would turn out to be better than i expected. surprise myself, you know. but when it turned out that im just the exact same person that i am, nothing more, its just. i mean. wow. i never knew i hate so many things about myself.

im not smart, i cant think quickly on my feet, im not very passionate or interesting at all. it took only half an hour to prove that my personal statement is a farce.

its not really about getting a place in oxford, i think. after the lnat, and how the interview went, i dont think i should get a place there. its just...gahh. i only wanted to be able to express myself, and let them see me as a person, and to want to communicate something so badly and not being able to is just. so. so. frustrating.

and im just feeling really lousy at the moment, i guess. i dont know when i realised it, but i realised that although there is no school that i dont mind going to, there isnt one that i really want to go to, either. and if thats the case i think i dont even want to go to uni at all.

im glad im sick. so i can lie in bed the whole day... i dont feel like i can do anything now.

2007-10-12, 8:38 a.m..
before } after