} rambling again..

supposed to be re-writing my 3 achievements paragraphs, the guitar ensemble one at least, cos mng said i could improve on it... i dont really know how, i mean not that its already so good or anything but i just dont know how to edit my own writing/work, which is why i always hated doing corrections even since primary school...

anyway wj sent me hers to give me inspirationzzz and it kind of helped cos i know how i should improve on it, but i still dont really know how to rewrite it haha. dont even know the point of doing it..? ok i know, its for the leaving cert, but i think its just sucky that honest hardworking students like us have to be reduced to a bunch of self-boasting narcissists like this...

when i read others' testimonial or achievements i feel quite demoralised cos what i wrote and did seems to pale in comparison. but right after that i would feel quite disgusted with myself cos before i started writing all these things, i told myself that i would just highlight the things that i do believe to be true about myself, and not exaggerate anything or make it too overly impressive, cos i dont believe in that.

i guess im just not suited for this rat race. why have i succumbed to it?

in the past i was more firm about my choices. i know my stand and principles. when it came to choosing secondary schools, i had gotten quite a high PSLE score so i had quite a lot of options, and my mum insisted on me going to rgs, but i had made up my mind on ijtp somehow for some reason. it was my teacher that in the end persuaded my mum to relent. back then (and even now) ijtp wasnt exactly a bad school, but it was at best average, but i somehow knew that it was best for me, and it did turn out to be best for me.

why did i change? after o levels it was all aiming for the top JCs. twice i applied for hcjc, twice i got rejected. but i dont feel sad or disappointed at all, i think now i fully appreciate the fact that i ended up in njc. i met some amazing people, and most importantly it opened my eyes, and it seems hardly possible but i think i grew in these one & a half years more than i ever did before.

so even though i made the wrong choice, i was still guided to the right path in the end. but now? i dont know. if i was totally free to do what i want, i think i know what i would do, but its not so easy when there is pressure from all directions - to please parents (though im not a very filial daughter, i do feel a sense of responsibility to listen to them to a certain extent), to be successful and make money. and then there is also the influence of other people who all seem to be aiming for bigger and higher things - not that its a bad thing, of course.

i realise that im not alone. today my mum and my brother were just arguing about his choices for secondary school... 12 years old and he's already forced to think about his future. he got accepted into 3 IP schools - HCI, RI, NUS high. my mum wants him in RI, because its supposed to be good in training people to be leaders, and smooth talkers (these are my own carefully-chosen words of course, not my mum's) but my brother doesnt want cos he thinks it will be too stressful. and he doesnt want hwachong cos its 'too chinese' (HAHA). so he is going all out for nus, cos he likes maths and thats what he wants to do.

i used to disagree with him, i used to tell him that at such a young age he cant possibly know what he really wants yet. but somehow i got involved in their argument and ended up defending him and his choice, cos i realised what i was telling him is what my parents told me about choosing to pursue art, and i resent it. i wasnt even thinking, the words just came out of my mouth, and i knew that they were words i have been longing to say for myself. maybe he doesnt want all that, maybe he doesnt want scholarships, maybe --

and the way he staunchly kept defending what he wants, without relenting, i realised i have more to learn from my brother than he will ever have to learn from me. i hope he will never change.

anyway, i digressed quite a lot. and i still havent rewritten my 3 achievements yet. im quite tired of making myself sound better than i really am, though. oh well. if i really cant think of anything i guess i should just leave it as it is? hmm.

anyway wj showed me some utube videos of KT Tunstall's solo performances... very cool, the way she records & playbacks to get different instruments/effects in her song.

Black Horse and the Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall

anyway i also quite like her image and her as a singer in general. a lot of female singers have voices that are too high-range to my liking (plus i cannot sing along), and they are too girly or too trying-to-be-rockish (avril...) but she is just nice. just a girl and her guitar and a few words turned into song. thats how simple and nice it should be. if i became a musician i would wana be like her, haha! but unfortunately that will never happen..

oh and wj also gave me the link to mr neo's blog (wow i realise she shows me a lot of things haha) which i really enjoyed reading... reading a teacher's blog is always an interesting experience... to some extent it feels like im intruding their privacy, cos it doesnt feel normal that i should know so much about their personal life!
but it also makes them much more human. also realised that most teachers are quite emo, especially the more likeable ones. i guess one needs to be 'emo' to a certain extent to be able to interact with people, especially angsty teens like us? haha.

but anyway, back to mr neo. i think he's a really great teacher, and he makes me more motivated to do maths. in fact i feel damn guilty every time i dont do maths tutorials...which is a lot of times actually, so a lot of times im very guilt ridden. no wonder im so emo. hahaha. i really hope he will get to do his Masters/PhD and pursue Design and all the other things he wants to do, and get married and get 3 kids (Sine, Cosine & Tangent HAHAHA).. oh and become a certified whiteboard cleaner hahahahahaha. oh man i cant get over how fussy he gets about the cleanliness of our classroom.

but i guess he cares, at least. not like a certain civics tutor who cares more about physics than the other 25 people in the classroom... *shifty eyes*

oh well. anyway didnt expect to write such a long rambling. i think im just subconsciously procrastinating from rewriting the achievements thing. =( ok should stop blogging now.

ohh wait btw now im very excited about gradnite! really cant wait to see everyone so nice and dressed up. =) of course there is that small problem that i need to get dressed up too... hope denise will be free around that time so i can ask her for some help shopping (again) since im so totally hopeless when it comes to things like this. haha. ok now i will really end off.

2007-08-16, 12:51 a.m..
before } after