} barely a month and i have to start cleaning again

here i am in front of the laptop at 2+ am. i duno what the heck im doing really. i feel like i've been in my own world since yesterday (friday, that is, although its technically sunday already). its hard to get back when im in that kind of state, i wish i had something that i can fall back on and pull me back to reality whenever i need to. haha.

i've just been watching a lot of stuff... when im not in front of the TV watching Monk then I'd be at the com watching Nodame. ahhhh. but the addiction is passing i think, and anyway i've almost finished watching all the new Monk episodes I have. now im really just waiting for morning to come, cos i need to bathe, cos i didnt last night, and i feel too disgusting to get into bed to sleep.

and i havent washed my hair in.. 2 days? oh my goodness im becoming almost as disgusting as Nodame (from the drama/anime nodame cantabile).

i think all this resulted from keeping to myself rather a lot the past 2 days. somehow for me becoming a recluse = becoming a slob, so i guess thats one thing i need to factor in as i make my career choice - i need to be around people.

but last night (saturday that is, haha im being so inconsistent) i just couldnt help myself. i had a burst of inspiration and i just felt like i had to take advantage of it. when i fell asleep i guess it was my mind just burning out, haha, and i had the most complicated dream which made so little sense that i only vaguely remember the idea of it. something about... something. that kind of thing. haha. im making a lot of dollars here.

i woke up at around 1.30 maybe, and my first thought was something like, im going to clean up my desk. which is weird because its what i planned to do today/yesterday (saturday) but kept putting off and kept watching stuff instead. so now im kind of in the middle of it, and now i can see the bottom of my table again so its pretty good progress so far. i re-packed my physics file, but its quite easy since my physics file is probably the neatest among all.

going through it reminded me of last year... i was in nick chan's class and i was among his worst students i think, cos he paid quite a lot of attention to me, and more than once im pretty sure he caught me sleeping in class (which cant be helped truthfully, physics isnt the most exciting thing in the world). and before the promos i guess he got quite worried so he had 2 (very) last-min consultation session for me, one about 1-2 weeks before promos and another which lasted the whole morning on the day before the start of the promos week (the next day was the econs paper. haha. woohoo!). i guess more important than his teaching (although after he taught me how to do superposition & the concept of orbit those are the only things that im ever sure of in physics, until now) was his motivation to spur me on... i remember during the first consultation he asked me to bring my file (so i packed it, before all other subjs) and he looked through it... then he asked something about tutorials and i had to think of the best euphemism possible for 'i seldom do my tutorials'. insert shifty look here. aha.

and he advised me about re-doing my tutorials, cos my basics are so weak doing tys/revision stuff wouldnt help. so i did... it wasnt easy, really, cos i never actually did them the first time, so i wasnt actually re-doing them haha. but i did my best i guess, with what little time i have, and kind of ignored my other subjects... but my effort paid off in the end and i earned my first A in jc.

ahh.
i duno whats going on with me now, but somehow typing all that out felt good. and i feel good now - extremely grounded and extremely positive. i had been worrying, a bit too much maybe, thanks to the recent talk about applying for overseas universities, and all the troublesome procedures. on top of that i was never even sure of applying overseas, or which uni to apply to, or what freakin major to take haha. but i duno, right now i've just got this strangely strong conviction (like i know something but i dont know how i know it), that if i can just take care of my studies, i'll be able to take care of the rest, for sure...with God's help, with other people's help, it will come through.

and if it doesnt, it will be for the best.

theres still plenty that i can do here, even if i dont go overseas... yet. and if i study art i'd really like to keep it grounded to the asian culture, at least for a start, especially to indon. i dont want to lose my identity. which brings back the question of whether i should just go back.

but i'll take care of it later when the time comes to make the decision. meanwhile i'll stop before i start thinking ahead of myself and continue cleaning my desk. haha.

2007-07-29, 2:18 a.m..
before } after