} look how they shine for you

now is time for dinner, and doing homework since i still havent finished it... but i have, NEED to put this down before it trickles away.

dare to hope. dare to dream.

i wrote about it in my gp essay

To what extent is courage the key to making the world today a better place to live in?

but i havent quite grasped it myself, yet. i think i've been limiting myself to unlikely's and most-likely's. i know whats out there, but i dont dare to think about them.

cos im scared i'll just be disappointed.

now i know it takes courage to even dream of something big. to even consider it as something possible. and to not add 'but's after 'I want to do ________'.

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but is it really what i want, anyway.

i considered that today, in the shower. and the more i think about it, the more i think i would rather go back home. to indon. i dont care if im just going to be scorned, or something.

im so far away, and not just physically, from my cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles. its unbelievably hurting, to see them and not be able to say a word to them. not literally, but as in, i cant talk to them the way family should be able to talk to each other.

i dont want to be estranged from my family anymore. no matter how different i am now, and no matter how late it seems to go back. it would be painful to let go of my dream of going to study in the UK, but i just feel like... if i go, i can never come back. i can always come back physically, but i can never quite return home again.

do you know what i mean?
does anyone know what i mean?

its just, i want to be there. i want to see my younger cousins grow up. i want to go to my elder cousins' weddings, i want to be with my grandparents and eat their cooking. i want to learn billiard & hair cutting from my uncle & aunt. i want to be able to get along well with my cousins.

maybe im just being sentimental, and im just wishing for things to go back to the way they were, and maybe the feeling will pass. but i hope not. i used to think im just like that, peter pan complex, dont want to grow up. but i think now, i do want to grow up. and im glad i grew up. i wouldnt want to change the way things turned out, although i could have gone about it in a better way.

maybe i can still study in the UK one day, but after all its just a dream. i can live without it. but i cant live without knowing that im anchored somewhere. i need to go back first, for a long long time, for as long as i need, until i can once again have the feeling that im at home.

its weird, but i guess, after 9 long years, in the middle of the school term, while drowning in work and goodness knows what other issues, i am extremely, EXTREMELY, homesick.

and i am also currently in love with this (quite) old song. but the version thats in my head right now is the version sung by the girl who was busking after us that day when we went busking... it was slower, more melancholic, and instead of drum beats there were these incredible pauses when the guitar strings werent being strummed. it was beautiful. strange how i suddenly have it stuck in my head now.. i guess my brain has a habit of picking out a random memory of a song, then playing it over and over. aha.

Yellow - Coldplay

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars look how they shine for you
and all the things that you do

2007-07-19, 8:16 p.m..
before } after