} ramble ramble

famine camp tomorrow... im scared & nervous to tell the truth. for various reasons. but i'll try to remember that it should be about the kids in africa, not about me, or anyone else.

aahhh.

i duno if its just the nervousness about the camp taking over, but im not so worried about studies and common tests anymore.

what will come, will come.

and it might have been this morning, or this afternoon, or just now.. or maybe even yesterday, as i was crossing the road on my way back from btp with my cousin. but i made a decision that has been stirring inside my head for a long long long long long long long time..

..portfolios can go eat shit. really. the whole scholarship thing has been driving me nuts for so long, making me worry that im not achieving enough. although i havent quite let go of my dream of studying overseas, i'll find a way. it might mean taking a gap year, striking a windfall (i hope thats the correct word, i know it has the word 'wind' in it), maybe just go to a local school first. whatever way, i guess the important thing is that i learn what i like, and the location isnt first priority.

what will come, will come.

and i guess the People Up There will think of me as a lazy person, and that if i want something i should GO GET IT, not wait for it to come. well i decided that what i want is not to be chasing something so high up i can barely even see it. i just wana shrug off everything and be happy.

anyway the portfolio thing is ridiculous. expecting a bunch of achievements and a few paragraphs about yourself (sorry, i mean the positive traits only) to sell a story about yourself. why do i have to prove that im adventurous by going rock-climbing or bungee-jumping? although those are things that i do wana do, but i'll do them at my own time. and thats the way i am, i guess. in fact all this pressure to make people do what they dont really wana do, just for the sake of records, is probably making them think they have to be so much more. when in fact its probably more important to just embrace yourself first.

and im rambling, haha. why am i suddenly talking about this anyway. =P oh well. i hope the camp goes well. i really do. for the children, for the children, for the children.

andd im off to attempt binomial & poisson distributions.

2007-06-15, 9:59 p.m..
before } after