} fake emo

haha. i dunno how to write this. there were so many things going around in my head. little things that slowly creep up to spoil my day. or maybe little things that i've been trying to bury since a long time ago, crawling back from their graves.

all that, and suddenly the overwhelming desire to explain myself, again. that, and the overwhelming desire to pour out everything. but, who? then the realisation that there is no one and nothing i can possibly pour out everything to. not when everyone is so interconnected. and the fear of spoiling another friendship. and even if there is someone, so what? its almost the same as writing everything down.

and writing everything down is like laying everything out on the table. or on the floor. or a really wide expanse of space. putting everything down, is a little like sitting on the fence, watching. everything becomes a lot clearer, but that doesn't change anything except that you can now feel the full weight of everything. seeing everything more clearly seldom helps when it's issues rather than problems or dilemmas that you're dealing with. im not looking to pick at things i've done in the past.. only to fix the future (if thats possible).

and seeing and feeling the full weight of everything, there doesnt seem anything to do except to wish that there was some way to make things ok. and this is the point where the helplessness comes.

and when the helplessness comes, this is where i take a hot shower, put on a warm pair of pajamas, put my head in my hands, and open up my bible.

and right there, the passage for today is Matthews 11:28. the answer to what i was looking for. and ironically, its probably the only bible passage i've ever known well, the one that's on the bookmark that i've been carrying in my pencilcase for about.. 8 years? haha. all along, it was right there.

Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light.

which is God's way of reminding me, I guess, that sometimes I dont always get what I ask for, either because im not ready for it yet, or I already have it and i just forgot. haha. typical.

2007-06-11, 8:33 p.m..
before } after