} getting the mess in order..!

everything, as i see it now, is in a mess.

starting from the literal sense.. my table is in a mess, it basically consists of piles and piles of paper now.. my closet is in a mess - piles of clothes that threaten to topple out whenever i open the closet.. even my bowels is in a mess. before my constipation i actually shat/shitted 3 times in less than 24 hours. its as though my body wanted to make up for so much loss of shit after that.

and then, moving on to less tangible things.. my friendships & relationships with my family feel like a mess. i dunno how to describe it, except to talk about it like a bunch of strings.. and i cant seem to hold on to all of them at the same time. they keep slipping and as i regain one i lose grip of another. and then, studies..haha. i dunno. often now i find my mind wandering in class, just wondering, what am i doing here? every choice i made in the beginning feels wrong. now its becoming easier and easier to simply abandon my work, without feeling guilty about it at all. i dunno when i started feeling that way but since some time ago i've come to realise that i really couldnt care less about chem, or physics, or econs, or maths.

which is probably really bad. cos..i dunno, i might actually need to spend quite a lot of time studying these subjs for my a levels this year??! =|

and then regarding the things that i do want to do, i cant seem to find the time to do them. theres actually a few art-related things that i wanted to take part in, and the deadlines are all around early may.. for the most part of april i didnt think about them much cos of syf, but after syf things gradually began to fall apart and i found myself trying to pick up after the pieces instead of finding time, making time. and its making me upset that im about to lose out on so many things that are somewhat important to me, all because i cant seem to get my life into order quickly enough.

i dunno.

today felt like pure escapism... was at denise's house cos we slept over there yesterday night, and since her assessment is just around the corner she asked us to help her with some little easy jobs like cutting&pasting research and moulding the bases for her clay projects. it was easy, and i enjoyed it, partly because it was different from the brainwork that we always have to do in school, maybe also partly because it felt better to have someone taking charge of me. haha i know it sounds weird but i was starting to get tired of trying to take control of my life.

as of now, i feel like i have no direction at all. i live on a day-by-day basis, looking forward to short-term things like weekends and holidays when i can sleep in. you know, people always say that its good to just live for the day, and not worry about tomorrow etc. but the truth is its quite demoralising to have to go through everyday with no particular direction in mind. i feel like im just floating. i dunno whats keeping me going, im barely hanging on.

sorry, that wasnt meant to sound emo or suicidal. because im not emo or suicidal. haha. its just honestly how im feeling these days. cos sometimes i dont see the purpose in going to school, talking to people. its like, i think the only thing keeping me going is the momentum, the same way a pendulum only keeps on swinging because it was made to swing, but its only a matter of time before it runs out of energy eventually. one day when/if i do lose the motivation i may just choose to stay at home everyday, and read, and draw, and sleep, etc. just let go of everything, all the strings.

oh no.

i really need the time to get everything back in order again. why is time never enough!

2007-05-01, 9:33 p.m..
before } after


we1rd0. getting old. deviantart, livejournal, the wunders, LOOK, A BIRD!, wise words. contact

ghetto. dumping ground for angst/etc since 2002.
newest & old stuff. diaryland.

elsewhere. links here.

heal the world. make poverty history. ONE.

your say.
"The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion." Prince Philip at the opening of City Hall, 2002.