} i think

i change my mind about the chingay cip. at first i thought it would be a really meaningful cip, like one of those self-development things, but it turned out that 80% of it consists of sitting down in the hall listening to briefing after briefing. (in fact we have been briefed so many times that i doubt we can get any shorter.) (sorry, bad pun.)

but on saturday i also went to another cip with the guit pple to st joseph's home for the elderly, and although we played damn softly and our performance was a disaster, i still feel like that short cip had more meaning than most cip i've been involved with.

there was one old woman, who could only speak in hokkien. we were playing bingo, and the volunteers had to walk down the rows of the elderly to help them cancel out the numbers (there was not enough pencils haha). and everytime i passed by this woman, she would say the same thing in hokkien, over and over again. i wanted so much to understand her, and know what she was trying to say, but the language barrier was too much.

and then there was another woman, who could speak english, but had lost the ability to pronounce words coherently. each time i had to ask her to repeat her words time and time again just to catch on to what she was trying to say. every time i would sense her frustration and helplessness, and that made me feel frustrated and helpless too.

and then there was the way the old folks stared at us, while we were performing our songs. even during the string ensemble's performance, i think that none of them looked cheered up, and few had the strength to clap. maybe they were too tired to even smile. but then yi en asked me, 'would you consider staying in a home?' and i actually said yes, yes i wouldnt mind as long as i wasnt too old yet, but i wouldnt want to die in such a place. i had the illusion that in this place, you could grow old with friends who would be able to empathise with you.

but ultimately, being in a home could only mean one thing; that you are unwanted. sometimes tv advertisements and even our SS textbooks try to lie to us that the elderly can still contribute to society in many ways, that they are still needed, but its really not true, not when you are as old and helpless as these people in the home. ultimately, you are left so weak that the only thing you can really do is await your dying day.

but i understand now. the purpose of such cip is not to give them a purpose to live, or make them feel happy and wanted again, or any other such noble ideas. they've seen so many youths come and go with the same idealistic purpose which is seldom fulfilled. but maybe, maybe, our coming and going, our feeble attempts at conversation, our half-decent performances - maybe these things will help them ease their painful waiting.

2007-02-12, 7:39 p.m..
before } after