} a bit of soul-searching

i was dying to go to sleep just a few mins ago, but i decided to press on with my physics online hw and now i dont feel like sleeping anymore... (but i know i'll regret it during maths lecture tomorrow).

being at school has been crazy, everyday they seem to be reminding us about our portfolio of achievements, activities, etc so we have something to show when/if we apply for any scholarships. its gotten me caught in a struggle between doing things because i want to, and doing things because i have to make my portfolio look nice. sometimes it gets hard to tell the difference because sometimes i want to do something to make my portfolio look nice. haha.

everyone says to be all-rounded, do everything and excel in it! but its so crazy, deep down i know im not really interested in that. i sound so idealistic when i talk about what i really want to do and what i really want to be, maybe thats why i hate discussing about my future. but being practical and realistic means settling for my second (or third, or fourth, or fifth..) choice... do i really want that?

when we were choosing subject combis, deep down i really wanted to take up arts subjects, but in the end i stuck with the ever so practical PCME combi, cos its practically THE combi to get you anywhere. it has maths, which is required everywhere, 2 sciences, which is needed to get into a science/medical dept, and econs which might make studying business easier later on. but truthfully, i really hate my combi, and i hate myself for choosing it.

sure a scholarship sounds nice, any form of free money sounds nice, but if i end up studying a course im not interested in, or worse, i end up working in some admin/research place im not interested in for the rest of my life, do i really want that? am i going to let this... obsession with portfolios and scholarships and achievements mask i really want for me?

the good thing that's come out out of this whole portfolio-ing fiasco is that while hunting for prospect cip and other enrichment projects, i came across lots of new things that im genuinely interested in. and i've decided that i'll continue sourcing out for these outside projects even if i somehow surpass the 100-hour mark. i wish i could have someone i can drag along with without feeling guilty though.

things to do:
- look for course(s) of interest
- look for scholarships for related course(s) of interest
- build up portfolio (a different kind of portfolio, which i dont feel like talking about yet)

ok enough serious stuff. So You Think You Can Dance season 2 just ended this week, and the finale was good! i like watching people dance although i myself cant do it for nuts (same thing with football i guess) (and a lot of other things). the final 4's dance was great esp since they danced to justin timberlake! haha. not too happy with the outcome though. benji is good i guess but i really wanted TRAVIS to win. sigh.

oh and today i watched Prison Break which is a really really cool show. theres a 2-hour special next week at 10pm on ch5 GO CATCH IT! haa. =D and csi miami is back next week too, woohoo! staying away from the com has made me a bit addicted to tv.... aha.

2007-01-18, 11:54 p.m..
before } after