} journey's end

'D'you ever get a sudden feeling that everything's going farther and farther away - till you're the only thing in the world - and then the world begins going away - until you're the only thing in - in the universe - and you struggle to get back - and can't?'

-- Journey's End by R C Sherriff

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this year everything went by so fast... too fast. how can so many things happen in one year? i cant believe it. its as if i've been hibernating before this year, and so i had to make up for lost time and experience a thousand different things within a short span of time...

in one year, i experienced the 'climax' of teenage angst, and outgrew it soon after. (or at least, i like to think i've outgrown it.) i felt depression, disappointment, fears, hopes, excitement, fury, euphoria... and most of all i've been more aware and conscious of myself than ever before. 'It's a habit that's grown on me lately - to look right through things, and on and on - till I get frightened and stop.' of course I can't compare myself to stanhope. but i've been looking deeper into my thoughts and feelings, and i don't really like what i'm seeing most of the time.

oh well. i guess its good that im getting to know myself better. the new year promises more fears, more tears and basically more battering of my spirit to bits. but i know i will be ok again in the end. wounds leave scabs but they dont hurt unless you open them again. thats the annoying part about being human really. just when you think you're going through the worst and you won't make it and you can finally give up, let go of everything, you still come out all right.

blah.

my arm is still aching from tennis the other day although i only played for a very short time. and it wasnt even proper playing haha. my ass is aching too cos i was sitting down the whole day yesterday. ach. i hate sitting down.

im kind of looking forward to when school reopens. not because im super excited or anything. but cos im tired of this waiting. i do want to treasure the last few days of the holiday.. but i spend so much of the time worrying and feeling scared about the new school and the new environment and etc etc etc. i just want to hurry up and experience how sucky it is instead of worry about how sucky its going to be. haha. sigh.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 2006

1. stop biting nails
2. practise guitar
3. pick up a sport
4. save money
5. work on graphics/illustration
6. ...have a social life! HAHA
7. be more open to people. no condescension. no judgment. & be less boring pls.
8. dun be afraid to speak up
9. exercise more often & stop eating so much

thats all so far. i've decided to give up on 'revise school work regularly' and 'file things properly' and 'be more organised' because i have been trying for 2 years and failing miserably. so i will just have to stick to organising my stuff during the long holidays and last min revision. bah.

2005-12-30, 9:48 p.m..
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