} do not dub me

i finished reading everything is illuminated. i am not illuminated. i dont understand it at all. and now i am eating humble pie, because i like to think that i am a premium person and i can feel illuminated.

i think i will buy the book. or pretend that i lost the library book. not just so that i can read it over and over again so that i will understand it, but also because it is possibly the only book that can make me laugh, and cry, and laugh so much that i cry, and cry so much that i laugh at myself.

there are many things that i still dont understand. who is augustine? why is sasha's grandfather's picture in lista's box? who is lista? who is safran? and why, why did grandfather kill himself? i will have to find the answers, or accept that there are none, or invent answers for myself. it has become an important matter, as if i am part of their family, and they are part of mine.

i was particularly moved (although i do not know to where i was moved, specifically) when grandfather pointed to his friend, who was a Jew, and was thrown into the synagogue, and was burnt, but was so afraidofdying, and it was repeated over and over that he was afraidofdying and please please Eli tell them it is not true there are no more Jews I am afraid to die and i felt his fear, and i felt grandfather's fear, for his death, for his friend's death, for his wife's death, for his son's death, and not wanting to make a choice, but having to make a choice because of the General, and not wanting to point, but having to point at his friend because he was a Jew.

and i realise, that i am afraid of dying, i am soafraidofdying, and while i am alive and safe it is easy to say that im not afraid, but i am. and i am afraid of losing everything, i accidentally pressed the 'back' button and the page skipped to the previous page and i was afraid of losing this entry that i was typing out and something squeezed my heart and i swear i did not breathe for that split second but when i pressed 'forward' and saw my entry still safe i could breathe again. if for this trivial thing i should feel so afraid, then i am sure i would feel even more afraid for everything else i could lose.

and i am reminded of yankel, who wanted to live forever with brod, but couldn't. and i feel the same because i never want to lose all this, and i feel that i am unfairly trapped and i am forced to move on although i don't want to. and i am afraid of death and i wish i hadn't been given life at all, so i wouldn't have missed what i would miss when i die. and i wish i haven't had so much happiness so that when i move on i would not miss anything. but then i would never have been happy, and i never would.

i am not sad.

2005-10-27, 5:41 p.m..
before } after