} here is gone

today during dinner my dad asked me 'so what is your role in robotics now?'

and it was difficult to say that im now an oldie who has to leave because her time is up, but doesnt want to because its hard to let go. so i pretended i didnt hear/understand his question.

and i thought that was that. but then he probed further and asked if i enjoy doing robotics.

i ignored this too because they were like strangers trying to uncover something personal. and anyway i felt that something bad was coming.

my suspicion turned out to be right because my mother followed with a comment 'oh but she doesnt do the real robotics.'

this is the kind of discussion that i have been trying to avoid for the past, i dunno, 2 years or something, since i first joined njrc.

and then my father continued to ask questions like

'so what do you like about it?'
'just helping?'
'doing media?'
'doing the supportive role?'
'doing video?'

and this is where i swallowed the last bits of dinner down and left the dinner table.

this is why my parents are unsupportive of arc. apparently they blame it on my not being given the opportunity, rather than my lack of abilities.

but i know whats the real cause. and its bad enough, knowing that im so fucking undeserving of this position, without someone else fucking rubbing it in my fucking face.

and this is where i get really pissed off and cant be bothered with anything and get angry at everything and everyone without knowing why and wonder if i really shouldnt have done whatever i did, for everyone else's convenience.

2005-07-09, 8:03 p.m..
before } after