} hey mr tambourine man, play a song for me

you people piss me off. really. i dont know why i bothered. i dont know why they bothered. you people obviously dont deserve it. i know im not much better, but im damn fcking pissed right now. and i think you all suck. you dont deserve the efforts of all those who tried so fucking hard to make things happen. and if i could reveal who you all are, who each of you are fucking like, we'd all be in the fish market. as fishmongers. selling fish. cos thats obviously what we do best.

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sorry. i was just venting some frustration. actually i had calmed down a little by the time i got to write that, so its not half as angry as it was supposed to turn out. which is good, i guess.

sometimes i get really really frustrated. like when im unhappy with someone, and i feel like being angry with them. but then i realise that im worse than them, so it feels bad to get angry at them, so i force myself not to, and then i get even more frustrated than before cos i cant be angry at anyone except myself.

and then sometimes i do end up losing my temper, or at least thats how other people see it, and then i feel guilty because i make similar mistakes or even worse ones and again i get even more frustrated than before cos i feel so guilty and i cant be angry at anyone else except myself.

or sometimes it doesnt involve anger at all, and its the helpless kind of frustration. like if a friend wants to jump, and i cant stop them. because i cant brainwash them or hold on to them forever from the top of the building. and then i wish that i was less powerless.

or if i do better than a friend in studies, and they get frustrated and i try to comfort them but its taken the wrong way and they're all 'you dunno how it feels cos you got better marks than me' and it hurts to know that they care more about their marks than their friend. and then i start thinking that maybe they dont consider me as a friend at all. and i get frustrated cos i want to be angry at them, but then i was the reason that they got upset, so its really me that i should be angry at, so im all confused and frustrated.

and sometimes i get frustrated when i feel betrayed. like when i was little i used to go to my parents' room when i was scared at night and sleep there and my parents would be nice about it during the night, but the next morning they would make fun of the incident. and i know its just for fun and i was being really stupid but it still felt bad anyway, so i thought i couldnt be scared anymore.

or if i get angry at my mother over something trivial during the night, cos i tend to lose my temper during the night, and i stay awake wanting to throw something or smash something or punch someone and i think i can be angry at her forever and ever and ever. but i dont. when i fall asleep and wake up again, im ok, or if im not my mother would do something nice and then i would be ok again. and i feel so stupid because i had gotten angry. but at the same time i get frustrated cos normal people can hold grudges, but im so used to pushing things aside and forgetting about stuff and i get frustrated cos i cant stay angry.

but if a similar incident happens i dig out from the deep recesses of my brain all the previous incidents where i felt angry and couldnt do anything and it all wells up but i still cant do anything so i push it back again, like swallowing back your vomit, but it feels more than before. and i havent vomitted for years. and i havent been angry. and i havent lost my temper. and i havent shouted. and i havent thrown anything. and i havent smashed anything. and i havent punched anyone.

and then theres the thing about failure

but i could go on all night. i must be boring you to death.

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pls ignore the trash above. i will go to sleep and when i wake up i will be okay again, and i wont remember a thing.

2005-06-26, 10:12 p.m..
before } after