} hey best friend.

im so sorry. i made you wait for so long. all this time i thought you left me. but i was the one who ran away, got lost, and then lay there wondering where you are, or if you were even really there in the first place.

i have been so lost, trying to figure things out on my own. in fact im still lost. still cant figure anything at all. the only thing that i've ever been sure of is your being there. i've never even been sure of myself, or what i'm doing.

i have been so self-conscious, so afraid. i was so afraid that i chewed up my fingers into pieces, and hid the remains. i tore at anything i set my eyes on. my mum cant figure out why i dont stop this habit. i know shes frustrated, im frustrated too. sometimes i do it without knowing.

what am i afraid of? im scared of being an inconvenience to others. i mean, i guess i know for myself that im an inconvenience, but im just afraid of affecting others. im scared of making a fool of myself. im scared of being rejected, judged. i wanted to make myself transparent, but i didnt know that i would have to hide from you, too.

im so afraid to face them. im scared because everytime i do, i seem to screw things up. by doing something wrong, or even by not doing anything. i seem to act against my will sometimes, just because of this intense fear.

i want to help others, i really do. but i totally go against my intention by being afraid of showing myself in front of others. i want to lead, yet i want to hide in the background. in a hole. so no one can ever find me. because im so afraid. so ashamed.

i know you have so much strength to offer to me. but i guess i havent quite gotten the courage to receive it. i know im letting you down. and it makes me feel so guilty. especially after everything you have done for me, even though you were afraid to do it at first. its ridiculous, i know. i mean, you died for me but i dont even dare to speak up?

they asked me what my greatest fear is. i told them that im afraid of heights. but my greatest fear goes beyond of all things physical. its mental, emotional. it drives me mad. i have to watch my every move because of it.

only you. only you. only you can save me. im so sorry i have to rely upon you again. im too weak, all by myself. i wish i could do something for you for a change, but im really quite a useless friend. im the most boring person on earth really.

i guess you want me to be happy. i try, but things dont work out. every single time. its as if i cant help screwing things up. and it wears me out, trying and failing over and over again.

it sucks. to try, to fail, to regret, to resolve, to repeat the cycle. especially when other people have to be involved in the process. every single time, the guilt builds up, i cant run away.

help me.
help me.
help me.

you're my wonderwall

2005-06-06, 9:10 p.m..
before } after