} still lost

[rant -- start]

i cant help being worried about you every night. you care so much for her, you never have time for yourself. when i say a prayer i cant help but pray for you. the first thing that comes to mind. i only pray you have strength. i wonder if you are going through the same thing. the truth is, you make me more worried because you are so hesitant to share anything about yourself. i can tell that you are troubled as well.

do you see, you mean so much to so many people. you try so hard, you are so afraid you wont be able to make that difference, that you will just be normal like the rest. you must always do more. that just hurts yourself and other people. just being the way you are, you are already making so much difference, touching so many people. they are so grateful that you helped them. will anything be enough? what is your measure of success?

i dont know what you want. what are you trying to do? you are afraid to share, you are so scared you will be hurt again. how long are you going to turn your back on the world? you idiot.

its all so screwed. you know you want to do something, you know you want to help. then you realise you are too small, it would be so easy for them to squash you like an ant. can one ant make that difference?

everything is deteriorating, people say we are advancing but we are really degrading ourselves. going on fast forward mode when we should be stopping to rewind. its all a race, but there are so many left behind! everyone fights to survive. i'd rather be the one lagging at the back to push the rest on.

but maybe they dont want to run the race at all. its all delusional. where are you going, where the hell are you going? maybe it will be a dead end, maybe it wont end at all. everyone says not to give up, but what if to give up is to forget your own passion and run with the rest?

the only reason why they're suffering is because their standard of living is no longer enough to let them live a comfortable life, in this era where practically everyone is so stupidly running in the race. they dont run so they dont get the water and biscuits that are provided along the way. so they suffer, they die.

its not fair. why do i have to run with the rest just so i can live? why must the rest decide how i should live my life? happiness has so many connotations now.

[/rant -- end]

i dont ever, ever want to forget.

what am i going to do?



2005-04-09, 9:33 p.m..
before } after


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