} i think im gonna cry. not. :|

i think i must have spent at least 5 to 10 minutes just staring at the comp screen. trying to put down in words what i want to say. but when it comes to very strong feelings... things that you can only understand when you've felt them... im an F9 student. maybe even ungraded.

anyway. MET talked to us today. those of us who stayed back anyway. talked about a lot of things. i dunno but. to me. when he came into the room. and sat down. and we started talking to him & listened to him... it felt like trying to comfort and cheer up a friend. somewhat. i think im just naive, but it looked as though he needed someone to talk to. maybe im just being stupid lah.

when he talked about leaving ij... that really hit a sensitive spot. throughout this whole year... i've been imagining over and over.. leaving ij. leaving 4/2. leaving arc. and it hurts so much. i dont think i will ever be able to let go. last year.. i used to wish i could just drop out of school or something. arc was the only thing that kept me going. but now... i realise how grateful i should be. i am very, very lucky. i have been blessed with so many good things. i think about leaving school and i imagine how lonely it would be out there. and i only wish i could make this year last as long as possible.

but i realise. i wouldnt like ij so much if it werent for certain things. certain people. namely arc. and this year my class. and teachers like MET. he is really.. not the kind of person you would meet any day. and of course.. all those people who have changed my life some way or another.

arc will never, ever be the same again. not without MET. he has done far, far too much for us. and in a way, it's only right that he eventually leaves. but. but.

theres always a but. in a way its so selfish. but pretty soon... i wont have anything to come back to in IJ. in 1, 2 years arc would be filled with people i have never met at all. or worse. it would be non-existent. that is. one of my biggest fears at the moment. and i think about it. and i can only imagine myself slumped against the wall...and i wont even have the strength to cry.

and the most inspiring teacher i have ever met would not be there. my whole class would have graduated. i feel like. clearing out space in my memory so i can store everything that has been happening. because it seems that only the memories will last.

and the thought hurts. to think that i would never experience anything so meaningful ever again.. to have to make do with whatever is left of the world. in my mind i would know nothing would ever match up with what i have to face this year... nothing so good that it is heart wrenching to leave it. and yet. i would have to believe it is good, and learn to let go.

im talking rubbish lah. i told you i cant express this sort of thing in words.

..................................................................................................................

to-do list:
get silver marker

actually theres a lot more to be done. but most of them are related to you-know-what which i cant mention in my blog. hurhur. and the rest is homework. which i wont write about cos right now i cant remember what the homework is anyway.

turns out commonwealth essay deadline is monday. i think i will try again. i just cant fully give up that easily. too stubborn.

oh man. i feel like eating bakkwa now. cant wait for cny. prawn rolls... drooooool....... SUHUI IF YOUR AUNTIE IS MAKING PRAWN ROLLS REMEMBER TO ASK ME TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE HOR.

:D

anyway. nothing more to do online so im going to work on the live wire brand now. and think about that thingy that i thought about yesterday. after ms tan talked about the timeline for this year... i decided that i can spare a week to devote myself to this. and after o's, before december... i could do the last bits of touching up, etc. my last contribution to the most wonderful group of people ever.

hmm.



2005-01-28, 9:48 p.m..
before } after


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